It's all about the view.

Perspective is a cool thing, don't ya think? Last post we left our heroine (ummm...don't think that's the correct spelling but too lazy to care. Of course, by now I could have checked and been done with it but I don't want to. So there.)(ANYWAY...) feeling quite down and despondent due to life in general. That's the thing with depression. It just kinda sneaks up on ya when you're not looking. Normal life things can overcome you and spin you down. I've never been able to deal with anxiety very well. I internalize everything. I am still smarting from comments made to me in junior high, for pete's sake! (wow...for pete's sake...cool factor going WAY down on that one) I can be down and oh so low for awhile but, so far, I eventually bounce back. That's the fun part. The bouncing. Manic much? I am quite happy at how clean my house is although not sleeping is starting to wear on me. All of this to say, I'm feeling better now, thank you. ;-)

We went out of town last weekend and went camping at a big music festival. It was Christian Punk/Rock and there were 4 stages going on. It was fun! Some really good bands too. Skillet was good, Decyfer Down was awesome and Seventh Day Slumber completely rocked my socks. I love camping. I love the freedom from looking good. Not that I do anyway but you know what I mean, yes? When you're camping, it's assumed that you look greasy and slightly dingy around the edges. Throw on a baseball cap and you're good to go.

It's the last day of August. Where did summer go? We are heading out into the woods again this weekend for the last camping trip of summer. We'll be gone from tomorrow night until Monday afternoon. I'm excited. There are burn restrictions right now so we have to be careful but it will be worth it. 90 degrees this weekend. There is just something about being in the middle of trees that relaxes me. Brings it all back to perspective. Plus, no phones. No way for anyone to get ahold of me. Ahhhh...bliss...



A much happier me.

Two steps forward...

Three steps back...

Waves returning. Money issues suck. Stressed to the nth degree.

Woke up with a headache. Yippy.

Now back to our regularly scheduled program...

Hi.

I'm Jessie.

I enjoy long walks on the beach at sunset.

I am more of a cat person than a dog person.

I like beer.

and wine.

If it's got alcohol in it? I'm all over it.

I am a blog slacker.


I don't know where the time has gone since we got back from "vacation". Not that you could really call it a vacation when I was on the phone with my office EVERY SINGLE DAY at least THREE times a day. Oi. The place fell down around their ears without me. Nice to be needed yada yada yada. Anyway, there is something about coming back that always sends me into depression. I don't know why. I can feel myself start to slip. The headaches start. The waves start crashing in my brain. I withdraw from everyone. I know it. I feel it. But I am powerless to stop it. Why is that? What is so inherently wrong with my mind that I cannot control how I feel? It feels like I am drowning sometimes. The water overcomes me and I just watch. It doesn't matter enough to me to paddle.

But I'm coming out of it now. The headache left last night. My sense of humor is back today. I wanted to listen to more upbeat music this morning. I was able to get out of bed today. That's a good thing. At what point does it become more than just a little episode? At what point do I maybe do something about it? At what point is it not normal? They are happening more this year. Since March, I've drowned 4 times. Why? What is going on?

Why so many questions without answers?

Picture? Maybe? If blogger lets me?

Little boy and I after a crazy storm the day we left town. The clouds are from a Fire in Glacier National Park.

All of these are the car my brother and his family were in. Now tell me...is it not amazing that they are ok???

WOW

We are here in Aberdeern, SD. That was the longest trip of my entire life. It is normally about 18-20 hours. We left my hometown yesterday at 2:30 pm. We were going to stop in Billings last night at 9:00. Definately long enough for one woman and her kids, right? However, Billings had other plans. Every single hotel in the biggest city in Montana was full. I was so tired. However, I had no choice but to continue on to Miles City. 2 more hours. Yeah, that sucked. Big big big time. We got there though. At 11:30 last night. We found the cheap Motel 6 (with NO wifi!!!!) and went to sleep. We got up and went to breakfast this morning. We ended up in the same town as my older brother, his wife, their 14 year old daughter and 1 month old son. Crazy because he drives oh so slowly. Now I know that we were meant to catch up. Hindsight and all that...

We drive for 2 hours this morning. By that time I'm wondering because I knew that we had stayed in the same town as my brother and left around the same time. They shouldn't be that far ahead of me. In Baker, MT, I stop and call my husband. We chat for awhile and I see a Sherrif truck go flying by. We talk about how odd that is. Then I get on the road. I call my big brother to find out where they are. He answers the phone and tells me to get to him...they just totalled the car. I drive 85 (thank god no cops) 12 miles. Longest 12 miles of my life. As we're driving, Teenage boy points ahead to lights. I tell him I don't think that's it because there is only one car. We pull up to it an look to the left, way way down in the ditch/ravine. There is the car...completely totalled. I look in front of me and there is my sister in law, running to me with my brand new nephew in her arms. She is sobbing. And she never ever cries. I get out and she is just saying over and over...He won't stop crying. I can't get him to stop crying. My niece is beside her and crying too. They are both cut up to hell. I tell my SIL to get in my car with little boy. She tells me to go take care of my brother. I look across Hwy 12 and he is slowly trugging up out of the ditch with his guitar case in his hand. I run over to him and he wraps his arms around me and starts to cry. Sob. My big brother. Come to find out, a deer ran out of the other side of the road and hit them in the rear driver side door. It was a little car. (my moms car, my brother's would not have made the drive.) When the deer hit them, it sent them fishtailing down the road. Then they started to roll. They rolled AT LEAST 4 times before resting. The battery landed 50 feet away from the car. The car is totalled. All the windows are blown out. My brother, sister in law and their kids are ok. They were taken in the ambulance and I was able to fit all of their stuff (!!!!!!!) in my car with my kids and I. We set them up in a hotel and my step dad is going to get them tomorrow. If I had stayed in Billings last night, I would have been 3 hours behind...not 10 minutes. If I had caught up to them like I should have, I would have been passed them and had no cell signal. But I wasn't. I was able to be there and help them. Thank God they are ok. I am tired. good night.

Nervous traveler

I leave tomorrow for points midwest and flat. It's just the boys and I. I'm a little bit nervous about it. Simply because it's 1000 miles one way and just me and teenage boy and little boy. Do you know how mad it makes me that I'm freaked out??? I am supposed to be a strong woman. I love my husband and I need him but I don't NEED him, you know? But I wish he was going with me.

We leave at 3:00 pm. 8 hours tomorrow and 8 hours on Thursday.

Any words of advice? When you have traveled by yourself, what has worked for you?

So here's the thing...

Your life run in shifts. Shifts of awesomely good. Shifts of doin' allright. Shifts of crap. And through all of that your faith is challenged. Even when the outlook is all roses, your faith is challenged. Because if everything is so good, why do you need to believe in anything? Obviously, you've got it together. But when things are bad...when they are really, truly bad...that's when people seem to call upon whatever faith they have. That's how it was for me during fertility treatments. Quick aside, why are they called fertility treatments? Doesn't that seem to imply that fertile is what you are and you're trying to change that? Anyway...there were days where it was impossible to function. To get out of bed. To lift up my head. But the lip service that I gave to being ok was amazing. I had all the people around me convinced that I was ok. It was going to be ok. I was ok with not having a baby. I was ok with the fact that the procedure failed. I was ok with my marriage imploding due to the stress. I was ok with being broke, it would all work out. And then I got pregnant. And all really was ok. But then it wasn't. And even though my life, for the most part, is good now, there are still times when I am not ok.

My choice is how I deal with it. Whether I put on a rosy face and pretend or ask for help. Tell people, at the risk of making them uncomfortable, that I am not ok.

My husband is sweet, sexy and loves me for who I am even when I cannot. My teenage son is amazing, kind and loves me simply because I am his mom even when I suck at it. My little boy is gentle, sweet and loves me because I play with him even when all I want to do is not.

And yet. And yet. I am not ok right now.

Hot enough?

Wow. Apparently, unknown to me, Montana has turned into hell. It is H.O.T. It is smoky. It is sucking. Still very very pretty and there are oh so many lakes and rivers and streams that it is still worth it but...wow...it's warm. We have an air conditioner in our basement so it stays fairly cool but upstairs? Pure Hell.

Having a yard sale tomorrow. Best Friend and I will be in the shade of the mountain ash tree in my front yard counting down until noon. Would it be tacky to have beer bottles in hand? Should we just pour it in cups?

Thank you for the emails asking how my husband is. He's improving slowly but surely. Dr. from big town down south just misinformed us of what it was supposed to look like and feel like for him. So, I guess this is normal. He's back to teaching full time. Home with little boy today and playing in the blow up pool in the back yard.

I've given up on my lawn this year. After living rural my whole life and having a "lawn" of sorts, this is my first subdivision with a real lawn. We like it pretty and green! But...see above about heat. Not so much willing to pay $$$$$ for water. That's another thing. I have always had my own well. Now I'm on city water. What the??? It trips me out that I have to pay for water.

That is all. Jessie is bored. Entertain me?

Oooh look, pretty pictures!

In absence of a mind this week, I'll leave you with pretty pictures! Like this one of little boy playing with the water balloons last weekend. oooooohhhh...feeling distracted from same old boring posts...



Fourth of July, me, best friend and baby. And beer! Woot!



Pretty.



My son in the lake with a sparkler.



Best friend and I on the Friday of camping so basically? Before-ish (bow down to me and my work making up self!)



And then Sunday morning. Very very after. NO showers. NO people. Lots of beer. SO MUCH FUN!!



My boys after their water fight.

Too tired for a title.

So it's been a week since my last post. Huh. Who would have thought? Life has been crazy. After the drugs wore off, Joe started to deteriorate. He got very very sick. He had a piece of tape go into his eye, underneath the bandages and scratch his cornea. This caused a ton of pain. He also reacted badly to the drugs and was throwing up for hours. We went to the dr. on friday morning and had the bandages taken off. As soon as we left his office, Joe started throwing up. I called the dr. and they just told us to have a nice trip home. The more I think about it, the angrier that makes me. They should NEVER have sent us 3 hours north with him as sick as he was. Of course, if the surgery had actually worked, I probably wouldn't be as mad. Yeah. That's the other thing. He still has no sight in that eye. If he had 5% vision before, he has 2% vision now. SO NOT WORTH THIS!!! The surgery was (up to the point) the biggest mistake. He's so down and in so much pain. We've both been up all night all week, lost in our own thoughts about this mess we now find ourselves in. So tired. Of course, he was back to work on Monday, teaching summer camps. He can put on such a brave face and then come home and collapse. It just sucks. He sits in a room with the blinds drawn and his sunglasses on. He is in so much pain. We thought that the vision would be immediate. We were told that he should be totally out of pain by Monday at the latest. We were told that there would be 20/40 vision, at the outside. We were told a bunch of things that haven't happened or have happened a different way. And now we are told that the dr. is on vacation this week so have fun, deal with it and we'll see you at your followup appointment. Which is this coming Monday. Joe has to have the stitches removed from his eye (which we were told would be all dissolvable sutures) and so hopefully we'll find out more info then.

Sorry this is so scattered and makes no sense. I'm just overwhelmed.

Phew

We're back at the hotel. The wonders of wifi! The surgery went ok. It took 2 1/2 times as long as they told me before they went in. Why don't they send a nurse out to let you know that all is well? That part sucked. But he's ok. He's sleeping. He has a huge bandage on his eye but he's here. I can hear him snoring and I love that sound.

Now we wait until tomorrow when the bandage comes off to see what we see. The dr. told me that they were able to move his pupil and reshape it...kind of. Don't know what that means really but we'll soon find out.

Thank God, he's ok.

Restless Anticipation

T minus 24 hours until Joe's eye surgery. At this time tomorrow I will be sitting in pre-op with him, trying to reassure him. How can I reassure him if I'm freaking out myself?

Please please please please please let it go ok. I could not handle it if anything were to happen to him.

Blog? I have a blog?

You sure wouldn't think so with as much as I've been posting lately. Lots going on this week. First? Camping was AWESOME! Pictures will follow. Second? My sister in law gave birth to my beautiful nephew Zachary Michael on Monday. He's so gorgeous and looks only a little bit like an alien. Third? Much beer was consumed on the fourth and things were blown up in short order. Fourth? Work. Sucked. Fifth? Joe's pre-op eye appointment was today and he's cleared for surgery in a week. Now I'm scared. But, on the cool front, I found a papa smurf doll on E*Bay today that I bought for him. When he was little and going through his six surgeries, he always had a Papa Smurf doll with him. The doll would come out with an eye patch too. I found one today and bought it. It will be shipped to me before his surgery and I'll give it to him in the hotel before we leave for the hospital. Cheesy, I know but I'm hoping to take his mind off of the anxiety of everything.

More coming soon, more beer to drink tonight...not to mention UFC tomorrow night at my house! I hope Tito Ortiz kicks the crap out of Ken Shamrock and Tim Sylvia knocks Andrea Arlovski out!!

Tooooo much coffeeeeeeeee!

OK. I am a little bit hyper. Like get out my seat and jump around hyper. Like had too much coffee in my chai hyper. Like going to the woods and don't have to answer a phone for 3 days hyper. Woot woot! I'm excited. Can you tell?

This is my time to tell ya'll that I'm going to be gone for 3 days. Not that any of you care but...you know...just letting you know and stuff.

Did I mention that I'm hyper???

Teenage boy is babysitting Little boy today. This is what I left this morning...



It was so hard to leave them.

But seriously...how on earth could they sleep like that? And how did they get into that position with neither one of them waking up? And why are they in my room???

Workin' for the weekend

Don't you love old 80's and early 90's rock? When I hear certain songs, I'm transported. I loved me some butt rock! And John Cusak? With the boom box? Wow...swoon...I still think that's awesome. If Joe were to do that for me? He would be walking funny for a long time. Or maybe I would. Or whatever. Why am I talking about my sex life????

OK redirect. Over here! Hey you! Yeah, you! Hi! What I meant to be talking about was how excited I am for this weekend. It's the first camping trip of the season! I seem to be really determined to use alot of exclamation points and question marks in this entry! 'Cause I'm just that cool! We are going out west to the land of good Montana camping. No other people. Not a "real" campsite. Just us, beer, marshmallows, hot dogs and a river. Last time we went camping up here Joe caught a fish and cooked it over the campfire. Oh so yummy. We are going with our best friends and their kids.

Woo-hoo! No cell phones for 2 whole days!!!

Plus, this is where I'll be...



Awwww...heaven...

What the?

It's beautiful outside. The sunshine makes me feel better. My goofy kids do too.

Had a homeowners association meeting last night. Only had one freak lady show up and start yelling and cussing. It's an improvement! We live in a nice little neighborhood. Why do some people freak?

Little boy got himself dressed today. Let's just say that I'm glad he's home with my mom instead of out with me. Very very interesting outfit. "Vote for KJ" t-shirt, too short camo pants and a headband. Definately gets his fashion sense from me.

Oh, ok, funny story. We were at the HOA meeting last night and it was held on my neighbors lawn. We were all sitting underneath a big tree in his front lawn. I have rather large boobs. There were ants on the tree. One fell down my shirt. Yep...right in between my melons. I could feel it squirming around down there but couldn't see it. (heh, i just typed tit instead of it) What would you do? Oh yeah, I started digging away. Joe starts elbowing me and telling me to knock it off. I look up and there are 5 grown men watching me dig in my cleavage for an ant. Oi. I should have just smashed my boobs together and killed the dang thing.

Is it Friday yet?

Why is this week going so slowly? I have dealt with depression off and on for the last 10 years. Basically since starting trying to get pregnant. Now little things trigger me. I don't know what exactly. It's different every time. I just get so down sometimes. It feels like I'm drowning in nothing. Money issues. Job issues. Marriage issues. Crap.

I hate feeling like this.

And then it got sticky...

UPDATED WITH PICTURES (not that anyone cares) tee-hee

The boys decided to sleep in the closet last night.

They were so cute in there, all cuddled up together. And then they woke up.

Teenage boy as he's walking up the stairs this morning..."So Little boy was all cuddled up against my leg when we woke up and his pants and my leg are wet. I'm just gonna say it was sweat. Don't tell me any different. It was sweat."

Little boy from behind him..."Heh."

Awww, brotherly love.

Lame Posts anyone?

Geez...these have been lame lately. Just not a whole lot to say, I guess. We are interviewing for a new secretary at work. I need someone who can really help me. And not have to be led by the nose all the time. I need to be able to assign a task and have them just take it and run with it. However, I bet I'm not fun to work for. I wouldn't want to work for me. I can be kind of a bitch. We had a new salesperson start this week too. That's always fun. They think that since I am office manager, I am therefore there to do their bidding. Ummm...I think not.

Drank a bottle of wine with Andrea last night. Why is it that when we get together, alcohol just dissapears? Where does it go? I didn't think that I was that tipsy but perhaps I was.

Had to go to WalM&rt yesterday too. White trash low class capitol. It's very interesting there. Why is it that people think it's ok to stop in the middle of the aisles to chat? Do they really have no clue that there are people around them wanting to get their stuff done and get the heck out of there? Are they really that selfish? Yes, yes they are.

Anyway, Jessie is bored. Entertain me.

And how was your weekend?

Something I've never mentioned here (in my whole 2 weeks of blogging) is that Joe is blind in his left eye. He was shot with a b.b. gun when he was 5 and has been blind since. 26 years. His left eye is green and his right eye is brown. That's one of the first things that attracted me to him...Rawwwr.

We have been going to the eye doctors around here since April. They told him at first that they would be able to do a lens implant surgery and he would be able to see. And then they said they couldn't do it. And that it couldn't be done at all. Because I whined, they gave us a referral to a doctor 2 hours south of us who is supposed to be the top eye surgeon in the state. Believe me, they gave that referral very grudingly. They had the attitude of if they couldn't do it, no reputable doctor would be able to. I love proving people wrong when they are rude to us.

We went last Friday and spent the night there. It's a bigger town than where we live but there still isn't alot to do. Especially since Joe doesn't drink anymore. We went to the doctor. He ran all of his tests and poked and prodded Joe for awhile. Then he asked Joe what he wanted to do. Joe just told him that he wanted to see. So the dr. looked at his calendar and asked us, How does July 13 sound to you? WOW!!

So on July 13, we are headed to bigger town down south to get my husband's beautiful green eye cut open. A new lens (he doesn't have one now) will be implanted and they will suture it to his eye. Hopefully, at the end of it, he will have 20/30 vision in that eye! Amazing! It's an outpatient surgery too which just freaks me out. How can they expect us to go to the hotel that night and him not in the hospital? I don't get it!!

That's what we did this weekend. And now we wait until the day.

How did you spend your days off?