A new beginning

Oh, my girl, how amazing. She is beautiful. I am so incredibly happy for you. Words do not express.

The state of things

Sticking with statements because it's just easier.

Dr. appointment today.
Hemoglobin and hematocrit actually going down. This is not good.
Cannot do surgery right now because I am so anemic and my body is so taxed with that there is a real possibility I would not make it through surgery.
The original plan of surgery on Monday was before my latest round of tests.
Cannot have blood transfusion to correct the anemia because of the type of anemia I have. My blood will not bond with transfused blood.
Non bonding blood = non clotting blood.
Non clotting blood + surgery=bad bad things for Jessie

So what's the plan?

Have to take mega doses of iron and other assorted pills and try to get the anemia resolved on its own.
Once that is resolved will have biopsy.
What that says will determine next step.
Biopsy tentatively scheduled for June 13. Depending on my stupid blood, of course.

So that's where we are. Still knowing nothing. Oh wait...we do know something else.

Dr. said she is 47% confidant that I don't have cancer. She came up with that number only because of my age. Apparently that's pretty much what I've got going for me right now.

How about them odds?

Long story short...

Severe Anemia of unknown origin.
Other basic medical fun thanks to PCOS.
Stat ultrasound performed last Friday.
Mass of unknown origin with massive blood supply (hence anemia, I'm assuming) located in uterus.
Not presenting as a fibroid or a polyp because of lack of shadowing (WTF does that mean exactly?)
Surgery scheduled for today. Of course, our secretary is on vacation so have to reschedule for next week sometime. Dr. not happy about reschedule. Throws around words like time and essence and cancer.

Note to self. Do not google link between PCOS and uterine cancer. Bad idea.

Trying to see this as an instant weight loss tool. Mass is size of grapefruit. Imagine how much that must weigh!

Kinda losing my shit a little bit.

The things that drive me nuts

1. Men. No explanation necessary, I'm sure.

2. Work. Once again, see explanation to #1.

3. Teenagers. The sighs. The eye rolls. The huffing. The puffing.

4. Kindergarteners. The sighs. The eye rolls. The huffing. The puffing. All with added crying!

5. Rain and snow. I know I live in Montana. I'm sick of whining about it. It's time for sunshine. Seriously.

Things that I'm loving...

1. My kids. Along with the sighs and the eye rolls and the huffing and the puffing and the crying, they are still damn cute and funny. If not for them, you would have read about me in the paper a long time ago.

2. Beer. Wine. Everything that gets me through the night. ;-)

3. The weather forecast is calling for sunshine and 85 this weekend. If that is true, I will be on a lake on a boat with Ky. And beer. Even though we will probably frighten everyone around with our pasty asses, it will be worth it. Oh so worth it.

The weather forecast had better be right...

May 9, 2008

Dear Mother Nature,

I understand your job is hard. I know it's impossible to make everyone happy. I get it. Would you like me to rub your feet for you? Get you a nice cup of coffee? Tea? ANYTHING? I would do anything for you, you know. Just to get that little smile on your face.

However. I do have a little bone to pick with you. It's May 9. Supposed to be springtime, right? Supposed to be sunny? Can you please explain to me why I'm looking out my window and watching the snow fall? Basically hon, if you're not gonna step it up, BITE MY ASS.

Love and Kisses,

Jessie

The face of six

It's been a week full of songs, cake, presents, parties and birthday snuggles. I don't know where the last 6 (SIX!!!) years have gone but I know I love you more today than ever. You amaze me, my boy. You see more good in people than I ever have. You care more about people than I ever could. You cried at your birthday party yesterday because one of your friends got his feelings hurt by someone else and it just wasn't fair. You will grow up to be a wonderful, caring man who makes an impact. Of that I am completely sure. I love you. I am proud to be your momma.

Well? Have ya?

Your Slogan Should Be

Have You Ever had a Bad Time in Jessie?

The Slogan Generator

Umm...Not sure where to go with this one...

It's definitely not helping my dirty mind, that's for sure.

Good times

I have never watched the Miss USA pagent before. Tonight, for some stupid reason, I am. I've decided to turn it into a drinking game. Whenever the contestants (or donny or marie) say something stupid, I'm going to drink. I give it 10 minutes until I'm knackered.

Oooh, and I had two spoonfuls of cheesecake filling for dinner. I am taking care of my body tonight! Word!

Something to pass the time

I am completely addicted to Twitter. Seriously. Who knew that micro-blogging could be so fun? Of course, it's easy to be witty in 140 characters or less. Anybody else on there?

Besides that, my brain is taken up with the idea of a friend coming up to help me turn this into a porn blog. See what happens when you go without sunshine for long periods of time? You get consumed quite easily.

At what point?

Well hello! Did you think I forgot about you? Silly little ol' blog. I could never forget about you. There just comes a point when everything that goes through my head is not suitable blog material, you know? Either it's too depressing (how many times can you write about one little boy being sick anyway?), too mundane (grocery shopping follies, anyone?), or too...umm...inappropriate (still refusing to turn this into a porn blog...). And just like that you see the 3 different sections of my brain! Isn't it scary?

So let's see. What does that leave? We went on vacation. I got sunburned. We had fun. Got to put my toes into sand and sit on the oceans edge. That was awesome. Completely cleared my head. Sometimes the mountains get in the way of my thoughts. It seems as though I can't get enough space with all the trees crowding in.

Little Boy is feeling better. We're still looking for a new doctor for him. That's been a challenge. What is it about having a medical license that makes them so much more intelligent, more successful, more sexy, more everything than just us average parents? I refuse to be talked down to about my child by someone who just met my child. And until I can find a balance, we remain doctorless.

Mancub is struggling in school. Really struggling. He's going to be 15 soon and just can't seem to get it together. He's really discovered girls and they have most definitely discovered him. And then the sun shone down and the angels sang and schoolwork ceased to matter. I walked out of my house on Sunday to see 3 teenage girls walking back and forth on the road in front. I'm not ready for that. The only thing that makes me feel better is that all of his friends think I'm hot so I get to be an embarrassment to him without even trying! I've been waiting for that since he was little!

Work is work. Nothing too much new...nothing too much old. Working with Joe is still fun. I thought that I would hate it but it's kinda nice having him in the office. He's a good sounding board for me. He just seems to be unable to leave work at the office and is driving me crazy talking about it all the time. I have a life too. I don't want to talk radio 24/7.

My girls are awesome. I'm so blessed to have such good friends in my life. No matter what I were to ever do, no matter how badly I were to screw up, I know that they would still love me. They might kick my ass first, but they would love me. And that's a great feeling.

I'll be back before another 6 weeks, I promise.

So I remember...

As of today, we are on day number 10 of antibiotic. We are also on day number 10 of fever over 102. Day number 10 of no appetite. Day number 10 of listlessness when the motrin wears off. Day number 10 of being forced to drink anything. And as an added bonus? Day number 10 has brought intense vomiting.

Why is it that the new dr. wouldn't listen to me on Thursday but listened to my husband today? Is it because they both have penis'? Because, really, when my husband has to turn to me to ask me every question, shouldn't I just be the one asked in the first place? Why is it that it took my child losing another 4 pounds for them to take us seriously? And why is it that when your child ends up with iv tubes all over their body, it hurts you so much worse than if you were the one getting stuck?

My life

What do you do when you're tired of faking it?

I think he had it right the first time

Little Boy was on the phone with my mom today and this is what I overheard.

"Mimi, could you please pray for my daddy? He has the issues...Oh, I mean the sneezes."

Oh Little Boy, you so had it right the first time.

It just doesn't seem to end

I'm so tired of Little Boy being sick. I'm so tired of not being taken seriously by doctors because "the best judge of how a child is feeling is how he behaves". I'm so tired of holding my child while he cries because he has pain in his stomach...his hands...his legs. I'm so tired of looking at him and seeing that he's losing weight. Seeing his sick eyes. Worrying over him while he sleeps 14-18 hours a day. A day. He was my baby who didn't sleep. I would pray for rest when he was younger. And now he's just tired all the time.

I finally found someone who takes me semi-seriously. Semi. They still think I'm slightly crazy and/or making things sound worse than they really are. They think he might have pancreatitis. In addition to celiac. In addition to the possibility of even more food allergies. I don't know. We are taking a wait and see approach with him. I don't know. He's lost 10 pounds. He's down to 34 pounds. He's 5 1/2.

Don't tell him but I'm scared.

It's Christmas Eve

And I'm at work. You would think that working for a religious organization would get me some extra time off this time of year. However, that would be a wrong thought.

Just wanted to say hello since it's been over a month since I posted. My time flies when you have seasonal depression issues. ;-)

Anyway...Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Ho Ho Ho and Bah Humbug. All wrapped up with a pretty shiny bow.

The legacy left to me

My dad delivered me. Oh, there was another plan in place but it did not happen. It was always intended for me to be born at home. My mom enlisted the help of a midwife. She felt pretty good about this decision too...until she went into labor. The midwife lived quite a ways away and, when my parents decide it was time to call her, was on the phone. This was before call waiting. Can you imagine? Sitting there with a busy signal on the other end of the line? Once they finally got through, the midwife took off to get to us. And promptly got pulled over for speeding. "Excuse me officer, I know I was going too fast but I have to deliver a baby." Yeah right. Gee, for some reason, the officer didn't believe her. Can't imagine why. So by the time she got there, I had been born. Luckily, my dad had read a book. So he delivered me. And three hours later, I was grocery shopping with them.

My memories of my dad are all mixed up. I remember always wanting to be with him. To hold his hand. To feel like he was proud of me. To feel important in his life. Unfortunately, those things were not high on his priority list. My dad was an alcoholic. His booze of choice was vodka. To this day, I cannot handle the smell. People who say that it has no scent have not been around it as much as I have. It smells so strongly. It smells of failure. Of fear. Of disappointment and regret.

My parents finally got divorced when I was 12. My dad moved out when I was 6. I can't even begin to tell you how many nights I stood in the kitchen, watching for him out the window. Waiting for him to come and whisk me away to what I was sure was going to be an amazing magic filled weekend with my daddy. More often than not, he failed to appear. I wonder now what was going through his head. Did he really not remember? How do you forget your child? I think about my mom too. How angry she must have been. Watching me hurt...seeing the excitement turn to sorrow...holding me while I cried...

As tends to happen with chronic alcoholism, my dad got sick. He developed Liver Disease. Esophageal Verasy. Hepatitis. It was horrible. I struggled so much with how to handle it. I had two options. 1. Ignore him. Ignore his disease. Ignore the fact that he had no one. Hold on to the hurts of growing up with him as a dad. Remind him of all of the heartache he caused me over the years. Or 2. Drive him to doctor appointments. Make sure he ate. Go to his house (a converted garage studio with concrete floors) and check on him. Tell him I loved him. Do my best to mean it.

I'm ashamed now to tell you how hard that decision was for me. In the end though, I felt like I needed to show him that I could take care of him. I patted his back while he vomited blood. I held his hand while he was in the I.C.U. I sat beside him when he had fluid drained off of his stomach. I told him I loved him. I meant it.

I was able to do for him what he was unable to do for me. He was transitioned to comfort care in a nursing home right after Christmas of 2004. He couldn't talk because he had been on a ventilator for 3 weeks. We (my brother, sister in law and I) made a sign for him that said, "Chocolate Milkshake, Please". He would hold it up for the nurses. We knew that he didn't have much time left. On Saturday January 15, 2005 I went to see him. I told him that Joe and I would be back to hang out with him that night. I told him I loved him. He squeezed my hand. I left. We didn't go that night. We were on a date and ran out of time. The next day I got a phone call from his nurse. He was rapidly going downhill. They had him medicated heavily with morphine and told me that we needed to get there. Joe took the boys home and I went in. My brother and his wife, myself and my dad's best friend pulled chairs up to his bed. He was unconscious but I think he knew that we were there. We started telling stories about him. Laughing and joking. Out of the blue he started to cough up blood. My brother and I went to either side of his head. Matthew grabbed the suction tube and started to suction his mouth. I wiped the blood off of his chin. We looked at each other and both knew. He was gone. The nurse came in and confirmed it. We kissed him and left.

I feel almost like, since that day, something has been broken in my head. I started having insomnia. Going through bouts of severe depression. Attempting to sabotage my life and my relationships. Acting like he did. Drinking a little too much sometimes. Being a little bit too big of a personality to have people feel comfortable around me. I know that if I'm not careful, I could turn out just like him. And sometimes, on the bad days, that seems like it would be easier than fighting the legacy left to me.

When despair for the world grows in me, and I wake in the night at the least sound in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be -- I go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds. I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought or grief. I come into the presence of still water. And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light. For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
Wendell Berry

I have to put this somewhere because I don't want to lose it. This is how I am feeling right now. Something is coming. Something big. And I am scared. I'm worried that I'm feeling the beginnings of the bad time for me. I want the waves to recede. How do I do that?

It's official, I am lame.

What do you write about when your life never seems like it changes? We spent so much time in the woods this summer, so much time on the lake, so much time just hanging out. Now winter is here. Or fall anyway. Really not much of a difference up here. Autumn still means that it's in the low 30's. Autumn still means that it's stupid hunting season. Autumn still means that there is snow. On my car. Right now.

Little Boy is in kindergarten and doing awesome. We've had some "issues" with his teacher so far. She didn't think that his celiac was a big enough of a deal to tell the lunchroom staff. So the kids were sharing food, as kids do, and he shared some chips. He does not have the maturity to know which chips he can have. He ate Doritos. He got very sick. We also had an issue with some of the kids. He brought his lunch of PB & J on rice cakes. They made fun of him. He cried. I threw a fit. Quite simple really.

Teenage Boy is in high school. He's playing soccer. He's got straight A's. Who is this child? What happened to the problem student? He is quite mouthy with me so I know that he hasn't been replaced by a pod person at least.

Joe and I celebrated our 10th anniversary in September. We had an awesome time. We went to Canada and watched a hockey game. And this could not be more mundane or boring.

Cell phone pictures

The sun is a very intense red color right now.

This fire will be going over the mountaintop within the next 2 days.

On the right is normal clouds. On the left is smoke.

Driving into the smoke. Can you imagine how AWESOME it makes me feel to know that my kids are breathing that in?

I haven't had time to upload the pictures from my camera yet. I took these yesterday of the smoke clouds. Air quality is horrible up here right now. The difference between the blue sky and the black smoke blows me away. It makes me so sad to see...

A whole month later

Well, it didn't sell. And that is the only showing we have had on it. I'm just pretty done with the whole thing, I think. There's just too much else going on right now to be too concerned about it. I'm just annoyed. I'm weepy. Best Friend made a really stupid comment to me last night about Little Boy. She says she was only kidding but it was just one of those comments that make me want to snatch my kids tighter to me and run away from everyone with them. Really dumb. But I'm still reeling from it. I just thought that I could trust that she loved my boys as much as I love her girls. It just sucks.

Not helping is that I'm hormonal. Yeah! (and...sorry to any men that might still be reading this...Hi Slinger!) so I'm way more whiny and sensitive than normal. Gotta love being a girl.

Montana burns. Have you seen that? Where I live is literally surrounded by fires that are all moving very quickly towards my town. Towns have been evacuated as close as 40 miles from us. It seems like a lot but really, it's not. One fire started at 10 acres burned on Friday night and by last night, there were over 18,000 acres burned. It's insane. The air is so smoky up here that you can't see the mountains. I took some pictures last weekend that I'll upload later. It's like watching snow fall with the ash. Air quality stinks. They are getting ready to shut down the woods completely. We were supposed to go camping this weekend but it doesn't look like it's going to happen. We couldn't have a fire but we were still going to go out. We'll see what happens.

So tell me...what do you do when you get sensitive about your kids? Do you avoid the person that made you feel that way? Do you look at your child and start to see them as the other person does? Do you wrap your arms around them and take them far, far away? I need some advice here, people. Unfortunately, this isn't just some random person. This is one of the people that I spend most of my time with.