Tooooo much coffeeeeeeeee!

OK. I am a little bit hyper. Like get out my seat and jump around hyper. Like had too much coffee in my chai hyper. Like going to the woods and don't have to answer a phone for 3 days hyper. Woot woot! I'm excited. Can you tell?

This is my time to tell ya'll that I'm going to be gone for 3 days. Not that any of you care but...you know...just letting you know and stuff.

Did I mention that I'm hyper???

Teenage boy is babysitting Little boy today. This is what I left this morning...



It was so hard to leave them.

But seriously...how on earth could they sleep like that? And how did they get into that position with neither one of them waking up? And why are they in my room???

Workin' for the weekend

Don't you love old 80's and early 90's rock? When I hear certain songs, I'm transported. I loved me some butt rock! And John Cusak? With the boom box? Wow...swoon...I still think that's awesome. If Joe were to do that for me? He would be walking funny for a long time. Or maybe I would. Or whatever. Why am I talking about my sex life????

OK redirect. Over here! Hey you! Yeah, you! Hi! What I meant to be talking about was how excited I am for this weekend. It's the first camping trip of the season! I seem to be really determined to use alot of exclamation points and question marks in this entry! 'Cause I'm just that cool! We are going out west to the land of good Montana camping. No other people. Not a "real" campsite. Just us, beer, marshmallows, hot dogs and a river. Last time we went camping up here Joe caught a fish and cooked it over the campfire. Oh so yummy. We are going with our best friends and their kids.

Woo-hoo! No cell phones for 2 whole days!!!

Plus, this is where I'll be...



Awwww...heaven...

What the?

It's beautiful outside. The sunshine makes me feel better. My goofy kids do too.

Had a homeowners association meeting last night. Only had one freak lady show up and start yelling and cussing. It's an improvement! We live in a nice little neighborhood. Why do some people freak?

Little boy got himself dressed today. Let's just say that I'm glad he's home with my mom instead of out with me. Very very interesting outfit. "Vote for KJ" t-shirt, too short camo pants and a headband. Definately gets his fashion sense from me.

Oh, ok, funny story. We were at the HOA meeting last night and it was held on my neighbors lawn. We were all sitting underneath a big tree in his front lawn. I have rather large boobs. There were ants on the tree. One fell down my shirt. Yep...right in between my melons. I could feel it squirming around down there but couldn't see it. (heh, i just typed tit instead of it) What would you do? Oh yeah, I started digging away. Joe starts elbowing me and telling me to knock it off. I look up and there are 5 grown men watching me dig in my cleavage for an ant. Oi. I should have just smashed my boobs together and killed the dang thing.

Is it Friday yet?

Why is this week going so slowly? I have dealt with depression off and on for the last 10 years. Basically since starting trying to get pregnant. Now little things trigger me. I don't know what exactly. It's different every time. I just get so down sometimes. It feels like I'm drowning in nothing. Money issues. Job issues. Marriage issues. Crap.

I hate feeling like this.

And then it got sticky...

UPDATED WITH PICTURES (not that anyone cares) tee-hee

The boys decided to sleep in the closet last night.

They were so cute in there, all cuddled up together. And then they woke up.

Teenage boy as he's walking up the stairs this morning..."So Little boy was all cuddled up against my leg when we woke up and his pants and my leg are wet. I'm just gonna say it was sweat. Don't tell me any different. It was sweat."

Little boy from behind him..."Heh."

Awww, brotherly love.

Lame Posts anyone?

Geez...these have been lame lately. Just not a whole lot to say, I guess. We are interviewing for a new secretary at work. I need someone who can really help me. And not have to be led by the nose all the time. I need to be able to assign a task and have them just take it and run with it. However, I bet I'm not fun to work for. I wouldn't want to work for me. I can be kind of a bitch. We had a new salesperson start this week too. That's always fun. They think that since I am office manager, I am therefore there to do their bidding. Ummm...I think not.

Drank a bottle of wine with Andrea last night. Why is it that when we get together, alcohol just dissapears? Where does it go? I didn't think that I was that tipsy but perhaps I was.

Had to go to WalM&rt yesterday too. White trash low class capitol. It's very interesting there. Why is it that people think it's ok to stop in the middle of the aisles to chat? Do they really have no clue that there are people around them wanting to get their stuff done and get the heck out of there? Are they really that selfish? Yes, yes they are.

Anyway, Jessie is bored. Entertain me.

And how was your weekend?

Something I've never mentioned here (in my whole 2 weeks of blogging) is that Joe is blind in his left eye. He was shot with a b.b. gun when he was 5 and has been blind since. 26 years. His left eye is green and his right eye is brown. That's one of the first things that attracted me to him...Rawwwr.

We have been going to the eye doctors around here since April. They told him at first that they would be able to do a lens implant surgery and he would be able to see. And then they said they couldn't do it. And that it couldn't be done at all. Because I whined, they gave us a referral to a doctor 2 hours south of us who is supposed to be the top eye surgeon in the state. Believe me, they gave that referral very grudingly. They had the attitude of if they couldn't do it, no reputable doctor would be able to. I love proving people wrong when they are rude to us.

We went last Friday and spent the night there. It's a bigger town than where we live but there still isn't alot to do. Especially since Joe doesn't drink anymore. We went to the doctor. He ran all of his tests and poked and prodded Joe for awhile. Then he asked Joe what he wanted to do. Joe just told him that he wanted to see. So the dr. looked at his calendar and asked us, How does July 13 sound to you? WOW!!

So on July 13, we are headed to bigger town down south to get my husband's beautiful green eye cut open. A new lens (he doesn't have one now) will be implanted and they will suture it to his eye. Hopefully, at the end of it, he will have 20/30 vision in that eye! Amazing! It's an outpatient surgery too which just freaks me out. How can they expect us to go to the hotel that night and him not in the hospital? I don't get it!!

That's what we did this weekend. And now we wait until the day.

How did you spend your days off?

Rain rain go away

It's been raining here for 3 days straight. Starting to feel like I live in Biblical times. We had hail the size of golf balls the other night. The next morning? The local paper had this headline splashed across the front..."HOLY HAIL!"

Yeah, my town sucks.

and this is absolutely the lamest post ever!

Some things aren't always what they seem.

I grew up in a small town. Not a nice town. I'm sure that high school was fun for those that were "in" but I was not one of those. My school was very clicky. Everyone was classified as something. I'm not sure exactly what I was classified as because by that time, I had found pot and didn't care so much anymore.

There was one thing that sustained me in high school and that was my friends. I had a really tight core group of guy and girl friends who did everything together. We protected each other, looked out for each other, went to bat for each other. They meant the world to me. They were there for me when I was completely down. I was there for them (i think) when they were down. We were a family.

The problem with mixed groups like that is when two people hook up. If things go sour between them, everyone else starts to feel like they have to pick sides. That's what happened to us. Boy and girl hook up. Girl gets pregnant very very young. Boy and girl get married. Start to play house. Said house becomes quite the hangout of those of us still not totally out on our own. Beautiful baby girl is born very preemie. Baby adds stress to already stressed relationship. Boy and girl suffer. Friendships suffer. Baby continues to be beautiful. Girl gets pregnant again and gives birth to a very chubby boy. Boy and girl get more stressed. Struggle more. Start to separate their lives. Allegations are made. People take sides. Friends (namely me) do what they think is the right thing at the time and end up hurting people that have meant so much to them. Years go by and it all starts to seem like a mistake.

When my friends broke up there were serious stories told. I was never there to see any of the incidences so I don't know first hand what happened. I did what I believed was the best option. The most helpful. I wanted to support my friend as she started her newly single mom life. We became very close. Closer than we had ever been before. The funny part was that I started off as his friend and not hers. She became part of our group because he thought she was cute. I found her really annoying at first. He and I had been so close...sharing many many late night talks about life, listening to music, making up stupid poetry. We had both gone through it when we were younger and I felt like I had found someone who truly understood me. But I chose her side. I wanted to be with the kids. I wanted to be able to make sure they were ok. I know I did things that hurt not only him, but probably others in his family that I cared about a lot too. Back then, I thought of his brother as younger but looking back, he's actually older than I am and was a way better person inherently than I could ever pretend to be.

Years go by. Over 10 now. She and I stayed close for a long time but then she started to change. Or maybe I did. I grew up, that's for sure. She didn't. I tried to keep in contact with her but her life is so incredibly different than mine. She lives with a guy that I don't like so much. I think he's odd and perhaps a bit of a masochist. She doesn't work. She is sick so she spends most of her days on pain medication. I still love her but there is only so much effort that one person can put out. I left messages on their phone (they screen all of their calls) asking if they have seen my friend. If they could have her call me. She never returns my calls. And now their phone is disconnected. We were supposed to turn 30 together. Her birthday is 2 days before mine. But I haven't seen her for over a year. And we live in the same town. I miss the kids. The last time I saw them, they were growing like weeds and turning into little adults. I'm afraid for the people they will become. I worry about 13 year old girl more than 11 year old boy. She has been through so much in her young life. Things that no girl should ever ever ever have to go through. I don't know if she is strong enough to deal with those thoughts as she gets older without help and I worry that her mom is to shortsighted to see it.

This wasn't meant to be a bash of my friend. This whole post came about because I recently found a blog belonging to the younger brother of the boy. He is all grown up now (like I said, I always thought of him as younger) and has his own family. He seems to be a good man with a good mind. He wrote on his space that he felt like his life didn't start until 1994. I was part of their lives before that time. I don't want to think that I hurt them, but I'm sure that I did. It's impossible that I didn't. I regret that. I regret those ties being broken. The last time I saw boy was when I was eating at the restaurant he works (worked?) at. He came walking out of the kitchen and saw me. It took my breath away. I didn't know what to do so I waved. He just stared at me and kept walking. Didn't crack a smile or wave or anything. The last time I saw his brother was at a restaurant too. He was eating and I came in to eat. I don't remember who I was with but it seems like I might have had a little to drink beforehand. I know that I didn't acknowledge him the way that I should have. My friend and I were starting to sour at that point and I wasn't sure what to say.

Life is full of regrets but the ones that suck the most are these. When you have to pick a side and hope that it is the right one. When it's not...

Stupid work interfering with blogging.

Wow, reading back over that last post all I can say is...ummm...what? I didn't make so much sense. Beer will do that to you.

Been busy at work this week. My boss is going on vacation starting tomorrow so he's in full time panic must get everything done oh my gosh will the station fall down around their ears if i walk out the door mode. So it's been a bit busy.

First week of summer vacation for teenage boy. He's working at our church at Adventure Kids Kamp. It makes it easier for little boy if someone is there with him to make sure he's not eating anything he's not supposed to be. Oh, have I never mentioned yet? Little boy has Celiac disease. His little body cannot tolerate anything that has gluten in it. Gluten is a protein found in wheat, rye, oat, barley, etc. It makes for a very interesting diet consisting of lots of rice and corn. PB & J on a rice cake is his favorite meal!

So when other kids are around and there are snacks involved, it has the potential to be very bad for little boy. He really understands his diet well (for a four year old) but the little nuances he doesn't get. For example, they have a popcorn mix at kids kamp that has goldfish crackers mixed in. Because they are in there, he cannot eat that popcorn. He wouldn't understand that part though. I can't even use the same spoon to stir his pasta as I do ours. He's very sensitive too. And when he's reacting? Holy Hyper Batman.

But I digress. (I have always wanted to use that statement!) Teenage boy is helping out and is in charge of 15 four and five year olds. And he's enjoying it!!

Or maybe he's just pretending to enjoy it so I will stop making fun of him for playing with the little kids. I'm evil like that.

So it's my birthday

I never thought that I would see 30 years old. In my mind, as crazy as this sounds, that was a number that would never apply to me. Whether it was because I never truly belived I would live this long or I didn't want to believe I would live this long, I'm not sure. But here I am.

Spent the day doing stuff. The normal crappy stuff. Went to Wal-M$art and did stupid laundry detergent shopping. I did get to sleep in though. Why are there so many typos I keep having to go back and correct? Oh yeah, that's right...

Went to my Best Friends daughters 5 year b-day party. That was fun. Then to my SIL baby shower. And then? To the fights. Watched the hometown girl decidly kick the crap out of a girl from WA state in boxing. But, it was scored an even draw. So nothing changes. But it was fun. And i drank beer. All by myself. Just Joe and I went and since he doesn't drink anymore, I had to drink his share. What have I read about blogging drunk? Oh yeah...stopping now...

i'm 30 years old and i don't feel any different...

This was taken last weekend in my husband's truck. It was taken by my 4 year old son. Little did I know that we were driving to a surprise party thrown for my 30th birthday. I didn't want to even acknowledge my birthday. I was having serious 30 issues. I always thought that 30 was grown up. That it meant that my bills would all be paid on time. My credit would be stellar. My children well behaved. And I would no longer have purple streaks in my hair and multiple ear piercings and tattoos. Ummmmm...let's just say that 30 is not what I thought it would be.

I love this picture. Even though you can see the wrinkles in my forehead, I love the look I have on my face. I love how I'm kind of out of the frame. And I love the fact that I had no idea that the people in my life loved me enough to put together the shindig we went to later.

Who knows? Maybe my boy will be a photographer.

So much better.

This is just oh so much prettier than it was this morning! And to think that Zoot created this all by herself! She is obviously a way more smart girl than I.

I was never any good at keeping a journal with any regularity. I would find myself writing writing writing and then just stop. I would go back later but could never remember what all my cryptic initials stood for. I had an older brother so I couldn't just lay it all out there. This feels different. As of right now, there is absolutely nobody reading it. And even if I get found, no one IRL will get the URL so I should be safe. Safe-ish. As safe as you could be putting your thoughts and feelings on the world wide web.

I feel like I'm coming late to the party. Jumping on the blog-wagon when others might be bailing off. But so far? It feels really good just to have somewhere to talk.

New blogger issues

Do you have any idea how long I have been messing with this template? Yeah...2 hours. Perhaps I should just concede defeat and to go Zoot and grab one of her freebies for new bloggers?

Yep, I'm done. This sucks and I'm just not that smart.

Starting Fresh

You never know what impact your words will have on someone. You don't even know if anyone will ever read them. But you write. Cathartic exercise to soothe your own soul. And then you find out that you've become the voice of many. That you are soothing more souls than you will ever meet. And you become a beacon. And how odd that must be.That's how it started for me. An infertility survivor who was dealing with lots and lots of survivor guilt. It started by reading the usual suspect. Grrl, Julie, Tertia, Julia, et al. They gave words to what I had felt when I was going through it all. The isolation. The hope. All the crap that goes along with it. And I started to feel better. Their successes started to feel like mine. When their kids were born, it felt like I had won all over again. Bizarre, psycho, stalking behavior completely unbecoming of someone who really shouldn't care less. They have the eloquent words I could never come up with on my own. And that kinda freaks me out a little bit.

I have always been sufficient all on my own. I have lived on my own since I was 16 years old. I followed the Grateful Dead. I was a street kid in Seattle. I hitchiked all over the West coast. I was a door to door salesperson for cleaner, for pete's sake! I have lived more in my 29 (30 on Saturday) years than most people ever will. And then I met my love. The first guy to ever hold my attention for very long. I thought long term relationships were 3 months or less. But Joe came along and all that changed. He rocked my socks. He was cocky and sure of himself and how cute he really was. And that drove me nutso. To add to the attraction, he had the cutest 2 year old boy with him. His son. I didn't even think that I wanted kids until I met that little blonde boy. Who turns 13 tomorrow. Wow, how time flies. I became a cliche at that point.

Girl meets boy. They fall in love. They move in together. They play house for 1 1/2 years until they decide to get married. They get married. They start looking around at their child and decide that they might, maybe want one more. They start trying. That's when my cliche took a decidedly different turn than most. It became very much not an easy thing. What is supposed to be the most natural, beautiful thing in the world turned out to completely suck. Really suck. I saw more of the dildo-cam (i named him george) than I did of my husband. Shots and pills and tests and blood and vampires and and and and and and. The list just goes on. Throughout this time we decided that I should adopt that little blonde boy. And so I did. And I thought that that might be it. That maybe that was the child that was intended for me. It didn't matter to me that he wasn't biologically related to me. He was MINE. And the funny thing was, he even kinda looks like me. We kept trying though. For 5 years. FIVE years. That is a long ass time for my ass to take the abuse it took. And we got pregnant. And the baby died. And that sucked too.

I gave up then. Hope had officially left the building. Hope was a bitch. But then (and I hate this part because it just doesn't usually happen like this, regardless of what other people say), we were pregnant. And at the end of a very sucky pregnancy filled with the joys of high blood pressure, toxemia and fetal distress, we had another little blonde boy. Who is now 4. And boy, has my life changed.

This is me, Jessie. This is my life. Sit down, strap yourself in and hold on. It gets quite bumpy occasionally. Welcome to it.