Thursday, August 31, 2006

It's all about the view.

Perspective is a cool thing, don't ya think? Last post we left our heroine (ummm...don't think that's the correct spelling but too lazy to care. Of course, by now I could have checked and been done with it but I don't want to. So there.)(ANYWAY...) feeling quite down and despondent due to life in general. That's the thing with depression. It just kinda sneaks up on ya when you're not looking. Normal life things can overcome you and spin you down. I've never been able to deal with anxiety very well. I internalize everything. I am still smarting from comments made to me in junior high, for pete's sake! (wow...for pete's factor going WAY down on that one) I can be down and oh so low for awhile but, so far, I eventually bounce back. That's the fun part. The bouncing. Manic much? I am quite happy at how clean my house is although not sleeping is starting to wear on me. All of this to say, I'm feeling better now, thank you. ;-)

We went out of town last weekend and went camping at a big music festival. It was Christian Punk/Rock and there were 4 stages going on. It was fun! Some really good bands too. Skillet was good, Decyfer Down was awesome and Seventh Day Slumber completely rocked my socks. I love camping. I love the freedom from looking good. Not that I do anyway but you know what I mean, yes? When you're camping, it's assumed that you look greasy and slightly dingy around the edges. Throw on a baseball cap and you're good to go.

It's the last day of August. Where did summer go? We are heading out into the woods again this weekend for the last camping trip of summer. We'll be gone from tomorrow night until Monday afternoon. I'm excited. There are burn restrictions right now so we have to be careful but it will be worth it. 90 degrees this weekend. There is just something about being in the middle of trees that relaxes me. Brings it all back to perspective. Plus, no phones. No way for anyone to get ahold of me. Ahhhh...bliss...

A much happier me.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Two steps forward...

Three steps back...

Waves returning. Money issues suck. Stressed to the nth degree.

Woke up with a headache. Yippy.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Now back to our regularly scheduled program...


I'm Jessie.

I enjoy long walks on the beach at sunset.

I am more of a cat person than a dog person.

I like beer.

and wine.

If it's got alcohol in it? I'm all over it.

I am a blog slacker.

I don't know where the time has gone since we got back from "vacation". Not that you could really call it a vacation when I was on the phone with my office EVERY SINGLE DAY at least THREE times a day. Oi. The place fell down around their ears without me. Nice to be needed yada yada yada. Anyway, there is something about coming back that always sends me into depression. I don't know why. I can feel myself start to slip. The headaches start. The waves start crashing in my brain. I withdraw from everyone. I know it. I feel it. But I am powerless to stop it. Why is that? What is so inherently wrong with my mind that I cannot control how I feel? It feels like I am drowning sometimes. The water overcomes me and I just watch. It doesn't matter enough to me to paddle.

But I'm coming out of it now. The headache left last night. My sense of humor is back today. I wanted to listen to more upbeat music this morning. I was able to get out of bed today. That's a good thing. At what point does it become more than just a little episode? At what point do I maybe do something about it? At what point is it not normal? They are happening more this year. Since March, I've drowned 4 times. Why? What is going on?

Why so many questions without answers?

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Picture? Maybe? If blogger lets me?

Little boy and I after a crazy storm the day we left town. The clouds are from a Fire in Glacier National Park.

All of these are the car my brother and his family were in. Now tell it not amazing that they are ok???

Thursday, August 10, 2006


We are here in Aberdeern, SD. That was the longest trip of my entire life. It is normally about 18-20 hours. We left my hometown yesterday at 2:30 pm. We were going to stop in Billings last night at 9:00. Definately long enough for one woman and her kids, right? However, Billings had other plans. Every single hotel in the biggest city in Montana was full. I was so tired. However, I had no choice but to continue on to Miles City. 2 more hours. Yeah, that sucked. Big big big time. We got there though. At 11:30 last night. We found the cheap Motel 6 (with NO wifi!!!!) and went to sleep. We got up and went to breakfast this morning. We ended up in the same town as my older brother, his wife, their 14 year old daughter and 1 month old son. Crazy because he drives oh so slowly. Now I know that we were meant to catch up. Hindsight and all that...

We drive for 2 hours this morning. By that time I'm wondering because I knew that we had stayed in the same town as my brother and left around the same time. They shouldn't be that far ahead of me. In Baker, MT, I stop and call my husband. We chat for awhile and I see a Sherrif truck go flying by. We talk about how odd that is. Then I get on the road. I call my big brother to find out where they are. He answers the phone and tells me to get to him...they just totalled the car. I drive 85 (thank god no cops) 12 miles. Longest 12 miles of my life. As we're driving, Teenage boy points ahead to lights. I tell him I don't think that's it because there is only one car. We pull up to it an look to the left, way way down in the ditch/ravine. There is the car...completely totalled. I look in front of me and there is my sister in law, running to me with my brand new nephew in her arms. She is sobbing. And she never ever cries. I get out and she is just saying over and over...He won't stop crying. I can't get him to stop crying. My niece is beside her and crying too. They are both cut up to hell. I tell my SIL to get in my car with little boy. She tells me to go take care of my brother. I look across Hwy 12 and he is slowly trugging up out of the ditch with his guitar case in his hand. I run over to him and he wraps his arms around me and starts to cry. Sob. My big brother. Come to find out, a deer ran out of the other side of the road and hit them in the rear driver side door. It was a little car. (my moms car, my brother's would not have made the drive.) When the deer hit them, it sent them fishtailing down the road. Then they started to roll. They rolled AT LEAST 4 times before resting. The battery landed 50 feet away from the car. The car is totalled. All the windows are blown out. My brother, sister in law and their kids are ok. They were taken in the ambulance and I was able to fit all of their stuff (!!!!!!!) in my car with my kids and I. We set them up in a hotel and my step dad is going to get them tomorrow. If I had stayed in Billings last night, I would have been 3 hours behind...not 10 minutes. If I had caught up to them like I should have, I would have been passed them and had no cell signal. But I wasn't. I was able to be there and help them. Thank God they are ok. I am tired. good night.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Nervous traveler

I leave tomorrow for points midwest and flat. It's just the boys and I. I'm a little bit nervous about it. Simply because it's 1000 miles one way and just me and teenage boy and little boy. Do you know how mad it makes me that I'm freaked out??? I am supposed to be a strong woman. I love my husband and I need him but I don't NEED him, you know? But I wish he was going with me.

We leave at 3:00 pm. 8 hours tomorrow and 8 hours on Thursday.

Any words of advice? When you have traveled by yourself, what has worked for you?

Thursday, August 03, 2006

So here's the thing...

Your life run in shifts. Shifts of awesomely good. Shifts of doin' allright. Shifts of crap. And through all of that your faith is challenged. Even when the outlook is all roses, your faith is challenged. Because if everything is so good, why do you need to believe in anything? Obviously, you've got it together. But when things are bad...when they are really, truly bad...that's when people seem to call upon whatever faith they have. That's how it was for me during fertility treatments. Quick aside, why are they called fertility treatments? Doesn't that seem to imply that fertile is what you are and you're trying to change that? Anyway...there were days where it was impossible to function. To get out of bed. To lift up my head. But the lip service that I gave to being ok was amazing. I had all the people around me convinced that I was ok. It was going to be ok. I was ok with not having a baby. I was ok with the fact that the procedure failed. I was ok with my marriage imploding due to the stress. I was ok with being broke, it would all work out. And then I got pregnant. And all really was ok. But then it wasn't. And even though my life, for the most part, is good now, there are still times when I am not ok.

My choice is how I deal with it. Whether I put on a rosy face and pretend or ask for help. Tell people, at the risk of making them uncomfortable, that I am not ok.

My husband is sweet, sexy and loves me for who I am even when I cannot. My teenage son is amazing, kind and loves me simply because I am his mom even when I suck at it. My little boy is gentle, sweet and loves me because I play with him even when all I want to do is not.

And yet. And yet. I am not ok right now.