Today

It's all going down today, my pretties. In 1 1/2 hours I will be being prepped for surgery. The biopsy results came back moderately pre-cancerous. I am having a D & C and sending everything that they get to pathology.

I really have no wit. The wit has left the building. I assume that I will not be really coherent enough to type later but check twitter. 140 characters are much less intimidating.

The plot thickens...

My results are in. I don't know them. All I know for sure is that they are moving my surgery to next Wednesday.

The ride continues.

If I were any more graceful I would be committed.

So they were able to do the biopsy last Friday. It was one of the least fun experiences of my life. I'm not sure what I was expecting exactly. A parade? Balloons? Tequila shots on the stirrup table? It sucked. My numbers were still not where they needed to be but the dr. did not feel like we could wait any more. I was the proud recipient of a pint of blood at the same time! Yeah me! And then I drove myself home. Joe offered to come and pick me up but I didn't know when I would be done...and I'm kind of a narcissist who likes people to feel sorry for me and figured that was the best way to get sympathy. (hey...at least I know my faults, right?)

As a side note. Joe and I had a HUGE talk last week. We came to the agreement that we have both been sucking as spouses and we needed to change. So we've been trying. And it's been better. I feel like I can talk to him about how I'm feeling and what's going on and he actually listens. And cares. Or does a really good job pretending to anyway. What more could a girl ask?

So I had my biopsy. I should get the results sometime this week or next. The longer it takes, the more likely it's not a great result (WHY do the dr's feel the need to share these little tidbits of information with their patients? WHY do I need to know that???) I guess the theory is that if it's normal, it's normal. But if it's abnormal they will need to re-run it and verify the abnormal tests.

After my biopsy we decided to go camping. Luckily we sold out last summer and bought a camper so it was very much easier. Mancub was a huge help getting ready since Joe wouldn't let me do anything. We spent the weekend in our happy place in the woods and had a wonderful time. The water was SO FRICKIN' COLD that we couldn't really go swimming but much beer was consumed and that made it all better.

Sunday we were getting ready to pack up and I was cleaning out the boat. I took a step and slid. And broke my foot. I am the smartest, most graceful, prettiest stupid person EVER. Luckily I am in a walking boot that I can take off so I can still go swimming and play.

We are going out tomorrow night to celebrate my birthday. Fancy dinner and bar hopping after. I'm really way too excited. Which just tells me that my life is lame right now. Stupid drunk pictures to come!!

Happy Birthday To Me.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

Stupid Montana winter. Wait. It's June. It's my birthday. Stupid Montana summer?

Happy birthday to me!

Things certainly seem more clear now.

Let me start off by saying that I am not looking for comments with this post. I don't want sympathy. I don't want hugs and loves and pats on the head. I want a record. I need to remember. This is for me.

Things are not good here. It is becoming more and more clear to me that I am, basically, all alone in this medical mess. I am so consumed with it...so concerned...and there is no one that I can talk to about it. I try to talk to best friend #1 and #2 and feel like I am being a drag on their good moods. They miss the fun friend...the in charge friend...the one who always cracked the jokes. They don't know what I'm going through. I can't expect them to. They don't understand. They don't know why I'm getting more and more freaked out. I try to tell them the new things going on that are scaring me and they tell me they are sorry and move on. I cannot move on. It is with me all the time. I've got too much. It's all too much.

Husband and I fought badly tonight. He always tells me that I am too hard on mancub. I need to let him make more decisions on his own. I need to remember how old he is. So tonight I let him make one. And, apparently, it was wrong of me to do that. Husband talked to me like I was a child. Like I was no bigger than something he would scrape off his shoe. He did apologize after for his manner of speaking but continued to tell me that I haven't been a real wife to him for a long time. That it seems like I'm so consumed with other things that I can't make a decision. Like my equilibrium is off. He told me that he knows that I'm not feeling well but that he doesn't want to hear all about it. It doesn't make him feel comfortable to know all the details. He doesn't want to understand because there is nothing he could do about it anyway.

So where does that leave me? All alone. Trying to suck it up and be the mom, wife, employee, friend, person that I have been before. Going crazy in the head. Stuffing. Pretending. Faking.

Alone.

Surrounding me

Why is it that wherever I go...whatever I turn on...whatever I read there is a newly diagnosed person fighting cancer? And why are they all my age? And dealing with bizarre types of cancer that are not supposed to hit people my age?

My birthday is Tuesday. I will be 32. I wonder what this year has in store for me.

Just call me Popeye

The anemia is starting to resolve itself. My numbers have gone up almost a full point in the time since my last test. That's good! The not so good is that there is still 13 points to go to reach the low end of normal. And a week to do it in. This means lots of spinach for me. Oooh, and basically raw meat. Excuse me while I grab a fork.

Little Boy got hurt last night. He was attempting to get off of the trampoline and got hung up on the net. You know, the net that's there to prevent them from hurting themselves on the trampoline. Oh the irony, it slays me. His foot got caught and somehow he ended up dangling. He had net wrapped around his throat and underneath his left arm. We had a horribly long night last night with him in extreme pain. He did not go to school today. I took him to the dr. this morning. Between you and I, I felt very silly taking him in for a rope burn. Seriously...what could they do? But it turned out to be the right decision. He has 2nd-3rd degree burns underneath his arm. His neck is just a rope burn. So now we have dressings and ointments and creams and antibiotics because it's already infected.

Trampolines are the devil. Tramps and little girls.

Not enough creativity for a title.

I've not been in a place where I can put words to what I'm feeling. There are so many emotions running through my brain that to attempt to limit them to one or two sentences doesn't seem fair to the rest. Nothing has changed since the last time I wrote about it. I go to the dr. tomorrow to find out if the anemia is resolving itself. I am hopeful that it is. I am still very tired though. Having a hard time making it through the day. Sitting in my family room right now are 8 laundry baskets full of clean clothes and I physically cannot do anything about them.

We received a letter from the dr. office last week that told us what our portion (after insurance) of the surgery will be. They expect for that to be paid up front. Our insurance isn't bad but the dollar amount was slightly staggering. Not sure how we're going to handle that but we can only take it day by day. We'll figure it out.

I've decided to focus on having fun right now. We spent yesterday on the boat. Friday night we had a bonfire. I am surrounding myself with friends and family and fun. Things that require no thought.

Not thinking is just easier.