Thursday, August 03, 2006

So here's the thing...

Your life run in shifts. Shifts of awesomely good. Shifts of doin' allright. Shifts of crap. And through all of that your faith is challenged. Even when the outlook is all roses, your faith is challenged. Because if everything is so good, why do you need to believe in anything? Obviously, you've got it together. But when things are bad...when they are really, truly bad...that's when people seem to call upon whatever faith they have. That's how it was for me during fertility treatments. Quick aside, why are they called fertility treatments? Doesn't that seem to imply that fertile is what you are and you're trying to change that? Anyway...there were days where it was impossible to function. To get out of bed. To lift up my head. But the lip service that I gave to being ok was amazing. I had all the people around me convinced that I was ok. It was going to be ok. I was ok with not having a baby. I was ok with the fact that the procedure failed. I was ok with my marriage imploding due to the stress. I was ok with being broke, it would all work out. And then I got pregnant. And all really was ok. But then it wasn't. And even though my life, for the most part, is good now, there are still times when I am not ok.

My choice is how I deal with it. Whether I put on a rosy face and pretend or ask for help. Tell people, at the risk of making them uncomfortable, that I am not ok.

My husband is sweet, sexy and loves me for who I am even when I cannot. My teenage son is amazing, kind and loves me simply because I am his mom even when I suck at it. My little boy is gentle, sweet and loves me because I play with him even when all I want to do is not.

And yet. And yet. I am not ok right now.

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