Saturday, June 07, 2008

Things certainly seem more clear now.

Let me start off by saying that I am not looking for comments with this post. I don't want sympathy. I don't want hugs and loves and pats on the head. I want a record. I need to remember. This is for me.

Things are not good here. It is becoming more and more clear to me that I am, basically, all alone in this medical mess. I am so consumed with it...so concerned...and there is no one that I can talk to about it. I try to talk to best friend #1 and #2 and feel like I am being a drag on their good moods. They miss the fun friend...the in charge friend...the one who always cracked the jokes. They don't know what I'm going through. I can't expect them to. They don't understand. They don't know why I'm getting more and more freaked out. I try to tell them the new things going on that are scaring me and they tell me they are sorry and move on. I cannot move on. It is with me all the time. I've got too much. It's all too much.

Husband and I fought badly tonight. He always tells me that I am too hard on mancub. I need to let him make more decisions on his own. I need to remember how old he is. So tonight I let him make one. And, apparently, it was wrong of me to do that. Husband talked to me like I was a child. Like I was no bigger than something he would scrape off his shoe. He did apologize after for his manner of speaking but continued to tell me that I haven't been a real wife to him for a long time. That it seems like I'm so consumed with other things that I can't make a decision. Like my equilibrium is off. He told me that he knows that I'm not feeling well but that he doesn't want to hear all about it. It doesn't make him feel comfortable to know all the details. He doesn't want to understand because there is nothing he could do about it anyway.

So where does that leave me? All alone. Trying to suck it up and be the mom, wife, employee, friend, person that I have been before. Going crazy in the head. Stuffing. Pretending. Faking.

Alone.

7 comments:

Nic said...

"move on"? MOVE ON? Are you fucking kidding me? I'm really sorry that there is no-one in your life right now who is providing you the support that you need. I wish I could help.

Well-heeled mom said...

The attitudes of these people have me baffled. I am so sorry. If I were closer, I'd be happy to listen.

DD said...

Your husband's attitude, while abherrant, doesn't sound that much different than my husband's during some of our bleaker moments (the miscarriages). They think they are helping us by not grieving or worrying, but sometimes we just need the empathy to know that our fears are validated.

I know you feel alone right now, but I hope it helps in some small way that there are virtual strangers that will listen.

Robin said...

Well wanting comments or not, you know I'm gonna anyway!

I'm so sorry you are going through this...you don't deserve it and I don't understand the people in your life acting the way they are. I thought these were more than good-time buddies? And hubby..well there is just no excuse for his behavior. For talking down to you and for not being empathetic to what you are going through and not being A REAL HUSBAND to you. wft?

I wish I could take you away from all that but even if I could, it's still something that is lurking. When do you find out anything more? You just have to hang on until then-and you will you're strong even if you don't realize it just yet. You're in my prayers, babe. I've got a lot going on here (I cannot WAIT until he goes back to work!!!) but I've always got time for you.

*Hugs and kisses*

sporkchop said...

It sounds like I have some serious catching up to do since I'm here here. I hope whatever it is that you are going through, you're able to overcome with your friends and family by your side.

*hugs*

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