And the wind up...

I am just so fucking over it.

Moving on

So many things of great importance happening in my life. So many things that I just don't feel like I can talk about yet. Not sure if they're good or bad. They just are.

I would like to thank the academy...

Nah, screw the academy. My mom? No, she doesn't know this blog exists. My kids? Also...don't know this space is out there. Whoever could I thank?

Oooooh, I know! I will thank the incredibly amazing Punk Rock Dad. He done gave me a badge! Wanna see it?

Huh?

Huh?

Do ya?

I know you do. Here's how it was given to him:


But. (you knew there was going to be one...) because he is just that hardcore, he had to change it. Here's his new version...

Personally? I like his version WAY better. That is the one that I'm posting on my page, yo.

Let's see, I think there were rules with this too (scampers off to PRD's site to try to figure it out.)

THE RULES (gag)

1. You have to pass it on to 5 other fabulous blogs in a post.

2. You have to list 5 of your fabulous addictions in the post.

3. You must copy and paste the rules and the instructions below in the post.

Instructions: On your post of receiving this award, make sure you include the person that gave you the award and link it back to them. When you post your five winners, make sure you link them as well. To add the award to your post, simply right-click, save image, then “add image” it in your post as a picture so your winners can save it as well. To add it to your sidebar, add the “picture” gidget. Also, don’t forget to let your winners know they won an award from you by emailing them or leaving a comment on their blog.

Allrighty then. Seems pretty clear cut. Not that I'll follow them. But I'll do my best.

My 5 addictions:

1. Music. I always have a song in my head and a drum beat in my heart. As some can attest, it doesn't always have to be good music either. I have been known to channel really bad elevator muzak if someone (you know who I'm looking at) asks me to hold on a second.

2. Sex. I don't know why, I just do.

3. Caffeine. Coffee until noon, diet coke or diet mountain dew after that. If I don't have some form of caffeine within 1/2 hour of waking up, I end up with a killer headache. I've been an addict since I was little so whoever said it might stunt your growth? Yeah, they might have been onto something.

4. The internet. I am connected. All the time. Between my desktop at work, my desktop at home, my laptop at home and my blackberry, I can cyber stalk whomever I chose 24/7. It almost makes me twitch to head out into the mountains. I have to force myself. But I do go. I need to get away sometimes.

5. Books. I inhale lit. That is all.

Fabulous other blogs:

1. Dawn is amazing. The girl has been through some serious shit and is still muddling her way through with grace. And snark. My kind of girl.

And you know what? I'm going to stop there. While there are other blogs that I like, I kinda only want to nominate Dawn.

Damn, I'm such a rebel aren't I?

Black Friday

How did I end up at target at 6:00 in the morning? Me? The girl who HATES shopping? Luckily I was still a little buzzed. That's also a good lesson. It's not a good idea for blondie and I to have a designated driver for a road trip. We will take full advantage of that. Also? The waitresses that have to work at Denny's on Thanksgiving night are no fun.

I made it through the shopping day. I survived. I did actually get some good bargains. And only shoulder checked one older lady who REFUSED to move her body and her cart out of the way. I asked her politely to please excuse me like 5 times. She finally turned around and said, "Do you think if you keep asking, I'll move?" Then she laughed. Then I knocked her out of the way. What can I say? Can you blame me? It was at that point that I decided I needed a time out and went out to the car and took a nap.

SUCH not a shopper, am I.

Segue...segue...segue...

OK, now that the graceful transition is complete, I am thrilled to let you know that I was nominated for an award. Of course, I don't have the brain power to finish it right now BUT I will later. The awesome Punk Rock Dad nominated me. He's fun. Grrrr.

I'll be back later to tell you ALL about it!

Thanksgiving Eve

You know what sucks?

To think that your spouse is full of animosity for you but then to have it confirmed by them. In so many words.

And to know that you will have to pretend tomorrow to be oh so thankful.

Yeah, that sucks.

A meme to warm your cockles by.

What does that saying mean? I've never really known but it's always struck me as funny. What is a cockle? The places my brain takes it...it's just not right.

So I've been tagged. Which is good. It's an easy way to chase the cobwebs out of my mind and get down to the serious business of blogging the holidays in Montana. With my family. And my inlaws. And the joy of combining them all together. Really not enough alcohol in the world to make it pleasant.

The sexy Dawn over at Punch Drunk has tagged me. By name even! She said it was nothing personal, that it all was how I fell in her flickr contact list but, DAMN, you should have seen the way she was talking to me! She's straight up mean!

And away we go...

Go to your sixth picture folder

Select the sixth picture

Tell the story behind the picture

And here’s what I found:

OK, first of all, I don't follow directions well. I recently got a new laptop and it only has 3 photo folders on it as of yet. So I went to flickr. I picked the most appealing set (the random one) and picked the 6th photo in it.

This picture was taken in 2006. Right after Thanksgiving, actually. We (this is my husband and I, just in case someone doesn't know) were out at my parents house sledding and looking for a Christmas tree to cut down. This was an arms length photo that I took of us right after a sledding run. It was a very good day.

There's the fluff of this meme. Here's the dirt. This was before my husband started drinking again. This was before I started having any medical issues. This was not too long after Little Boy was diagnosed Celiac and we were so happy to just have a healthy little boy for the first time. Mancub was 13. And shorter than me. Those were the good ol' days. Since starting this I've been racking my brain, trying to come up with a time since then that I was happy and felt that my marriage was healthy. And I can't.

So there it is. And since this is not quite the happy fluffy meme I was hoping for, I'm only going to tag one person.

Because Aunt Becky totally called me out, yo.

Aunt Becky, You're on.

It's been so long

I'm not sure I remember what to do with this space. What's the saying? Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans? That's the headspace I'm in right now.

I'm sure I'll be back soon.

In the interim, I find it highly odd that the number one google search term that brings people here is "48 hour hangover". Perhaps I shouldn't look at that too closely. Might send me to rehab.

Well then...

Testing...testing...is this thing still on?

And it's a wrap. Well...wrap-ish...

Very quick update. Had my post-op appointment today. Pathology reports came back as moderate pre-cancer throughout the endometrium and S.D. Dr. is comfortable in waiting and seeing at this point. Have blood work scheduled every 4 weeks for the forseeable (is that a word?) future. She said that she would actually be surprised if I was feeling better yet. The anemia is so much to overcome that it is going to take my body a long time. It just sucks. Now that we've removed the mass that was getting the blood, it should start to resolve.

I feel ok about it. Kinda eh. Still in such a state of limbo and I hate that.

Oh well. Nothing I can do about it. This is how it is.

Long time no post.

I kinda just took off on ya'll, didn't I? Sorry about that. I'm actually doing really well. While the surgery was NOT fun, I'm glad i did it.

Recovery was about like I expected it was going to be. I was so sick on Wednesday. I just don't do well with being put under general. I woke up in pain and the nurse immediately started trying to get me to drink coffee. I hadn't been able to have any in the morning and she said that was why my head hurt. The absolute LAST thing I wanted was coffee. She was very stupid. There was a mixup in my chart and she was under the impression that I had pain pills at home already. I was trying to convince her otherwise and she kept yelling at me that she couldn't give me more, that I had them at home. I had just woken up and wasn't making a very good case for myself. When they finally let Joe back he took her into the hallway and told her that she WOULD be fixing the problem, we WOULD be getting my prescription and we WOULD be getting a new nurse. My hero. I couldn't understand why we had a new nurse and why she was so incredibly nauseatingly sweet. Now I know why.

We went home and I went to my bed and stayed there. Little Boy was extremely freaked out about me. My mom had told him that I was having surgery (who the hell knows why she did that) and she kept bringing him to my room to see me. I was throwing up pretty constantly so he kept getting more and more afraid. If he wakes up and comes into my room, he always is my velcro boy. Right by my side. I woke up about an hour after he went to bed and he was curled up on the floor at the foot of my bed with one hand reaching up and lying right beside my toe. It was the saddest thing. It's taken him all weekend to realize that I'm ok and to be confidant in that.

They took the entire endometrium and Squishy Danielle and sent it off to pathology. I should get those results on Monday. There was a big debate about whether or not I was strong enough to make it through the surgery. With no blood loss whatsoever, my numbers had dropped again. From 9.5 to 8.2. It was decided that it was more important to remove Squishy.

So that's where we are. Still waiting. Still not knowing anything. Still oh so very tired all the time. I'm back at work now and actually hurting more than I did all weekend. I think the constant movement that I do at my desk is aggravating the scar tissue. Who knows.

I'm just really ready to feel better.

Today

It's all going down today, my pretties. In 1 1/2 hours I will be being prepped for surgery. The biopsy results came back moderately pre-cancerous. I am having a D & C and sending everything that they get to pathology.

I really have no wit. The wit has left the building. I assume that I will not be really coherent enough to type later but check twitter. 140 characters are much less intimidating.

The plot thickens...

My results are in. I don't know them. All I know for sure is that they are moving my surgery to next Wednesday.

The ride continues.

If I were any more graceful I would be committed.

So they were able to do the biopsy last Friday. It was one of the least fun experiences of my life. I'm not sure what I was expecting exactly. A parade? Balloons? Tequila shots on the stirrup table? It sucked. My numbers were still not where they needed to be but the dr. did not feel like we could wait any more. I was the proud recipient of a pint of blood at the same time! Yeah me! And then I drove myself home. Joe offered to come and pick me up but I didn't know when I would be done...and I'm kind of a narcissist who likes people to feel sorry for me and figured that was the best way to get sympathy. (hey...at least I know my faults, right?)

As a side note. Joe and I had a HUGE talk last week. We came to the agreement that we have both been sucking as spouses and we needed to change. So we've been trying. And it's been better. I feel like I can talk to him about how I'm feeling and what's going on and he actually listens. And cares. Or does a really good job pretending to anyway. What more could a girl ask?

So I had my biopsy. I should get the results sometime this week or next. The longer it takes, the more likely it's not a great result (WHY do the dr's feel the need to share these little tidbits of information with their patients? WHY do I need to know that???) I guess the theory is that if it's normal, it's normal. But if it's abnormal they will need to re-run it and verify the abnormal tests.

After my biopsy we decided to go camping. Luckily we sold out last summer and bought a camper so it was very much easier. Mancub was a huge help getting ready since Joe wouldn't let me do anything. We spent the weekend in our happy place in the woods and had a wonderful time. The water was SO FRICKIN' COLD that we couldn't really go swimming but much beer was consumed and that made it all better.

Sunday we were getting ready to pack up and I was cleaning out the boat. I took a step and slid. And broke my foot. I am the smartest, most graceful, prettiest stupid person EVER. Luckily I am in a walking boot that I can take off so I can still go swimming and play.

We are going out tomorrow night to celebrate my birthday. Fancy dinner and bar hopping after. I'm really way too excited. Which just tells me that my life is lame right now. Stupid drunk pictures to come!!

Happy Birthday To Me.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

Stupid Montana winter. Wait. It's June. It's my birthday. Stupid Montana summer?

Happy birthday to me!

Things certainly seem more clear now.

Let me start off by saying that I am not looking for comments with this post. I don't want sympathy. I don't want hugs and loves and pats on the head. I want a record. I need to remember. This is for me.

Things are not good here. It is becoming more and more clear to me that I am, basically, all alone in this medical mess. I am so consumed with it...so concerned...and there is no one that I can talk to about it. I try to talk to best friend #1 and #2 and feel like I am being a drag on their good moods. They miss the fun friend...the in charge friend...the one who always cracked the jokes. They don't know what I'm going through. I can't expect them to. They don't understand. They don't know why I'm getting more and more freaked out. I try to tell them the new things going on that are scaring me and they tell me they are sorry and move on. I cannot move on. It is with me all the time. I've got too much. It's all too much.

Husband and I fought badly tonight. He always tells me that I am too hard on mancub. I need to let him make more decisions on his own. I need to remember how old he is. So tonight I let him make one. And, apparently, it was wrong of me to do that. Husband talked to me like I was a child. Like I was no bigger than something he would scrape off his shoe. He did apologize after for his manner of speaking but continued to tell me that I haven't been a real wife to him for a long time. That it seems like I'm so consumed with other things that I can't make a decision. Like my equilibrium is off. He told me that he knows that I'm not feeling well but that he doesn't want to hear all about it. It doesn't make him feel comfortable to know all the details. He doesn't want to understand because there is nothing he could do about it anyway.

So where does that leave me? All alone. Trying to suck it up and be the mom, wife, employee, friend, person that I have been before. Going crazy in the head. Stuffing. Pretending. Faking.

Alone.

Surrounding me

Why is it that wherever I go...whatever I turn on...whatever I read there is a newly diagnosed person fighting cancer? And why are they all my age? And dealing with bizarre types of cancer that are not supposed to hit people my age?

My birthday is Tuesday. I will be 32. I wonder what this year has in store for me.

Just call me Popeye

The anemia is starting to resolve itself. My numbers have gone up almost a full point in the time since my last test. That's good! The not so good is that there is still 13 points to go to reach the low end of normal. And a week to do it in. This means lots of spinach for me. Oooh, and basically raw meat. Excuse me while I grab a fork.

Little Boy got hurt last night. He was attempting to get off of the trampoline and got hung up on the net. You know, the net that's there to prevent them from hurting themselves on the trampoline. Oh the irony, it slays me. His foot got caught and somehow he ended up dangling. He had net wrapped around his throat and underneath his left arm. We had a horribly long night last night with him in extreme pain. He did not go to school today. I took him to the dr. this morning. Between you and I, I felt very silly taking him in for a rope burn. Seriously...what could they do? But it turned out to be the right decision. He has 2nd-3rd degree burns underneath his arm. His neck is just a rope burn. So now we have dressings and ointments and creams and antibiotics because it's already infected.

Trampolines are the devil. Tramps and little girls.

Not enough creativity for a title.

I've not been in a place where I can put words to what I'm feeling. There are so many emotions running through my brain that to attempt to limit them to one or two sentences doesn't seem fair to the rest. Nothing has changed since the last time I wrote about it. I go to the dr. tomorrow to find out if the anemia is resolving itself. I am hopeful that it is. I am still very tired though. Having a hard time making it through the day. Sitting in my family room right now are 8 laundry baskets full of clean clothes and I physically cannot do anything about them.

We received a letter from the dr. office last week that told us what our portion (after insurance) of the surgery will be. They expect for that to be paid up front. Our insurance isn't bad but the dollar amount was slightly staggering. Not sure how we're going to handle that but we can only take it day by day. We'll figure it out.

I've decided to focus on having fun right now. We spent yesterday on the boat. Friday night we had a bonfire. I am surrounding myself with friends and family and fun. Things that require no thought.

Not thinking is just easier.

A new beginning

Oh, my girl, how amazing. She is beautiful. I am so incredibly happy for you. Words do not express.

The state of things

Sticking with statements because it's just easier.

Dr. appointment today.
Hemoglobin and hematocrit actually going down. This is not good.
Cannot do surgery right now because I am so anemic and my body is so taxed with that there is a real possibility I would not make it through surgery.
The original plan of surgery on Monday was before my latest round of tests.
Cannot have blood transfusion to correct the anemia because of the type of anemia I have. My blood will not bond with transfused blood.
Non bonding blood = non clotting blood.
Non clotting blood + surgery=bad bad things for Jessie

So what's the plan?

Have to take mega doses of iron and other assorted pills and try to get the anemia resolved on its own.
Once that is resolved will have biopsy.
What that says will determine next step.
Biopsy tentatively scheduled for June 13. Depending on my stupid blood, of course.

So that's where we are. Still knowing nothing. Oh wait...we do know something else.

Dr. said she is 47% confidant that I don't have cancer. She came up with that number only because of my age. Apparently that's pretty much what I've got going for me right now.

How about them odds?