I sit here with my laptop on my lap. It's just after 7 on a Saturday morning and I've been up for 2 hours. The one day a week I can sleep in. So why am I awake? Why are my thoughts so loud? I wake up in a start with a sick feeling in my stomach. So much going on...so much happening. Yet everything in limbo.

I'm nervous about Joe going to the Philippines in January. We recently found out that the tribes he is going to are very against tattoos. The only people that had tattoos were head hunters in the past and they are associated with thiefs and criminals now. These tribes are still so old fashioned that, unless the have time to get to know you, if they see your tattoos you will be ostracized at best. Joe is covered in tats. All down his arms, his legs, his back. I'm just so thankful that he didn't get any up on his neck like his plan was. He'll have to wear long sleeve shirts and pants while they get accustomed to him. It's 115 degrees there on a cool day. He's also going to be 50 miles away from where there were recent kidnappings. After everything that's happened in Iraq today...with the big hanging and stuff...chances are the terrorist groups are gonna be all riled up.

I'm scared to death. I know he's supposed to be going. He's only going to be gone for 3 weeks. But what am I going to do if anything happens to him? He's the kind of guy that if he sees an injustice, he won't stand for it. I can't tell him my fears. He needs my support right now. Not my whining. That's what ya'll are for.

Did you know that Al Qu*ada trains in the Philippines? Did you know that they hate westerners? Did you know that there are numerous travel warnings against going there for westerners?

I have to get my (probably completely irrational) fears out somewhere. I can't talk to him about them. How am I supposed to put on a happy face and support him? Anybody? Anybody?

God bless us, everyone...(and stuff)

So it's Christmas Eve. My parents and brother (and family of course) left an hour ago. Our street is lined with luminaria and is amazingly beautiful. The lights are lit and the stockings are stuffed. In other words? I get to take a rest now.

Merry Christmas to all of you. I hope that your day is filled with love and squishy stuff. The good squishies.

Good way to spend a friday

Yeah me! I've been tagged! Thanks, Slinger. This one sounds kinda fun though.

Popcorn or Candy? Both actually. Popcorn with butter and M & M's thrown in while it's still hot.

Name a movie you've been meaning to see forever. The Indiana Jones series. Yep...I missed them all.

Steal one costume from a movie for your wardrobe. Angelina Jolie from Tomb Raider. Only if I get the body to go with it though.

Your favorite film franchise is: The Matrix trilogy. Keanu is smokin.

Invite five movie people over for dinner. Who are they? Why'd you invite them? What do you feed them? Keanu Reeves, Matthew McConaughey, Salma Hayek, Halle Berry and Drake from Drake & Josh (don't judge me!). I invited them because they're hot. I would feed them nachos and beer. And me. ;-)

What is the appropriate punishment for people who answer cell phones in the movie theater? Take their clothes and make them stand in front of the theatre while we throw things at them.

Choose a female bodyguard: Ripley from Aliens, Mystique from X-Men, Sarah Connor from Terminator 2, The Bride from Kill Bill, or Mace from Strange Days. Sarah Connor from Term 2. She rocked.

What's the scariest thing you've ever seen in a movie? I don't watch many scary movies but when I was in junior high I was forced to watch Freddy. The couple I watched it with went into the bedroom and *ahem* got comfortable while it was on so I was all alone. Didn't like that too much.

Your favorite genre (excluding "comedy" and "drama"). Let's go with "artsy". That's a genre, right?

You are given the power to greenlight movies at a major studio for one year. How do you wield this power? I cannot beat Slinger's answer. Check his out and pretend I said it first!

Bonnie or Clyde? Definately Bonnie. She's a badass. I love tough chicks.

I'm going to tag Robin and DD. Merry Meme!

There is nothing sweeter...

than looking in your mirror into the back seat and watching your child bopping and singing along to the music.

I never knew it was possible to love someone so much.

Addicted!

Gee, thanks, Mr. Nice Guy. Just what I needed...another way to pass the time besides working! Check it out!

Making a list and checking it twice...

Yeah! A bullet post! Just what you always wanted, right? Right. Here we go!

Things I have not done for Christmas yet

• Decorated upstairs. The downstairs is done. The tree (real, of course) is up and prettyfied. However, my upstairs living areas are very very bare.
• Made cookies with the boys. Yeah, I suck.
• Sent out cards. They are made though so I guess that's a step in the right direction.
• Finished shopping. I thought I was done. I wasn't. I hate shopping.
• Paid any bills for December. So this isn't really a Christmas one but it is what it is. I just have not had time to sit down and do it. Our creditors love us right now.
• Drank too much spiked egg nog. However, I did have my first jello shot. That's gotta count for something, right?
• Planned any part of Christmas Eve dinner OR Christmas dinner. And why must we celebrate with a different side of the family on each day? And why must they always be at my house?
• Cleaned. Once again, not specifically for Christmas but I'm blaming my lack of motivation on the Baby Jesus. I'm trying to recreate the smell of the manger.

Things I have done for Christmas

• Wrapped gifts. My kids are spoiled. So are my nieces and nephews. And I'm broke. Did I mention that?
• Bought and decorated a tree. We did not cut down our own, however. Snow and cold sucks.
• Ordered Joe's present offline. Hopefully it will be here in time. If not? I don't care. I'll give him a different gift and between you and me, he'll probably like that better. *wink wink*
• Huh...I'm running out here. Apparently, I'm not nearly as ready as I thought. Where did 2006 go???
• Wished all of you a Merry Christmas. (see that? i'm taking credit for having it done WHILE actually doing it! that's creativity right there!)

Tagged

Gee, thanks, Robin!

The point of this meme? To take a picture of yourself right now and post it to your blog. This is teenage boy and me, being really excited to be tagged.

Let's see...who should I tag...Oh Slinger, you're it!

Changing the title 'cause Robin said I should.

It's been a week since my last post? Huh. Yeah. Sorry about that. You'll be happy to know that Little Boy is feeling much better now. He did christen Joe's new truck with puke. That was lovely. So glad Daddy decided to pick him up. ;-)

Teenage Boy rocked it on Friday. There were 20 candidates and only 2 got A+ on the test. And of course, my boy was one of the two! Even with a horribly sprained ankle. And he competed in a tournament on Saturday where he free sparred (kicked the crap out of each other) the kid who is ranked number one in their division in the country. He lost, but only by one point. A very good weekend for him over all.

Work has been interesting. Lots of stuff going on. Mostly stuff that sucks. I'm hoping that I'm making entirely too big of a deal out of it.

On the upside, I picked up all of our layaway from a big box store today so Christmas shopping is done, for the most part.

I think that's it. Although it does seem like I'm forgetting to tell you something. Let me see...what could it be...seems like it might have been kind of important...hmmmm...oh yeah, that's right


HOUSEGUEST MOVED OUT!!! I AM FREE TO WALK AROUND SANS BRA AGAIN!

Do you hear that noise? That's the angels singing.

That is all.

Well then

Little boy's preschool just called. He's throwing up. There is another kid there that has stomach flu so... Side note. Why in the hell do parents send their kids to school sick? Like throwing up, fever, got the runs sick? I just don't get it. I understand that some bosses can be really stupid but if you have to leave your sick child, aren't there better jobs out there for you? OK, that's all.

Joe is on his way to pick him up and I'll meet them at home and take over. Not quite sure what I'm going to do tomorrow. Teenage boy is testing for his 2nd degree black belt in Taekwondo (I am SOOO proud, by the way) and the test is 5 hours long. My sister in law was supposed to watch Little boy through it because he would be oh so bored. They have a 5 month old baby and I wouldn't want him to get sick.

I think that Robin's little boy has sent the crud our way. Thanks for that!

See you on the other side.

Blockage

I am blocked. Stuck. Bound up. Got nothin. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

I am so busy with work, so busy with home stuff, so frustrated with teenage boy and his inability to turn his homework in, so so so so so incredibly ready for housguest to move out. I can't form a complete sentance in my brain and transfer it onto paper. It's just not happening.

I will resume my life on the web when my brain resumes functioning.

For my friend who's struggling right now, I'm sorry I haven't been there for you like I should have been since Thanksgiving. I read your blogpost today but couldn't comment for some stupid reason (probably my fault). I know you'll read this so...

You know how I feel about your situation. You know I think you deserve better. If there is anything I can do, let me know.

Turkey Day

Happy Thanksgiving, one and all. May your day be filled with family, friends and peace. If you're hosting the festivities at your house, may it also be filled with wine. Lots and lots of wine.

We have 24 people coming to our house today. It's 10:00 am and houseguest is still asleep. We still have to clean up our family room, which is his room now. Soon he will be woken up with cold cold water.

What am I thankful for this year? In addition to my family, my friends, my home and all of the other typical stuff, I am oh so thankful because we got some great news yesterday.

Houseguest has a job. He starts on Monday. He found an apartment and he moves out in 2 weeks. For that, I am truly thankful.

Overheard

Little boy to houseguest, "Uncle, I like you."
Houseguest to Little boy, "I like you too."
Little boy to houseguest, "You should get a job."

Amen, Little boy, Amen.

Blech!

That's the sound that my week has made. I have been too busy to come up for air. Work is nuts and we have a relative staying with us. It has been 5 days so far and I'm ready for him to move out. When is that going to happen? Yeah, that's the million dollar question. Who knows. I walked downstairs to my former family room and walked into a mess that looks like a mouse lives there and is very very happy. There were underwear lying on the ground. Just lying there. In the middle of my family room floor. I'm done. So done.

In other news...I have been promising to send some pictures to a new friend but haven't had a chance to take them yet. Rest assured, friend o'mine, reciprocation is coming.

That is all. I will update again when I have a chance. Still to come...the joy of driving on ice in the winter time and how our houseguest backed into a parked car and sent it into traffic. Fun!

My Montana

Glacier National Park
Originally uploaded by jesslee23.

I was born on a couch. My parents had planned to have a home birth but it didn't go as expected. They had been working with a midwife who lived out of town and we lived out of town in the other direction. They were sure that she would be able to arrive in time. Guess what? She didn't. When my mom went into labor they started calling. The midwife's phone was busy busy busy. This was in 1976 and so not many people had call waiting. She didn't.

After they finally got her on the phone, she took off to get there. She was stopped by a Highway Patrolman who did not believe she was on her way to deliver a baby. So my dad delivered me. Lucky for me, he had read a book. Until the day he died almost 2 years ago, he called me his little smurf. I had the cord wrapped around my neck three times and was blue.

The house that I was born in is 20 miles away from where I live now. I hated living here growing up. It was boring. Backwoods. We got all of the current trends late. It just seemed so podunk to be from Montana. I ran away from here and swore I would never come back. But then I did. And I fell in love.

It is amazing to me that I am blessed enough to live here. It is a safe place to raise my boys. I am secure here. I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world. I look out my window every day and see the mountains, take a deep breath of the clean, crisp air and I feel liberated. The chains that I felt bound me when I was young are gone. When I'm hiking the trails and I reach the peak, I feel like I can touch heaven.

I have no illusions that my kids will enjoy being here as they get older. They are going to struggle with the same things I did. There still isn't anything for them to do. We still get the trends way after other places. But I hope that I can instill in them the love that I have for this State. That the smell the permeates our lungs after a spring rain will be as exhilarating to them as it is to me. That they feel blessed to live here.

I have pride in being a Native Montanan. And that's something I never thought I would say. I love this state.


Happy Love Thursday, everyone. Go here to read more!

I voted.

Therefore, I reserve the absolute right to complain.

My heart on my sleeve

My boys
Originally uploaded by jesslee23.

I had always been told that when you have kids, it's like having your heart walk around outside of your body. I never believed that. I always thought that I would love my children like I loved everyone else in my life...somewhat detached.

Boy, was I wrong.

I was so wounded that my heart was frozen. I had been so hurt by people that were supposed to take care of me that I had chosen to close off pieces of myself. When Teenage Boy came into my life, the walls crumbled. And when Little Boy was born, they turned into concrete dust.

I love Teenage Boy's heart. He cares for people so deeply that if someone is hurting, he hurts.
I love his wit. His sense of humor. His smart alec-ness.

I love Little boy's charm. He can wrap anyone around his little finger in .02.
I love his goofy self. The kind spirit. His knowledge of himself, of who he is, even at 4 years old.

I love watching them together. Little Boy reach up and pull Teenage Boy's face down to him. Placing his little chubby hands on both sides of his face and then whispering so earnestly, I love you. You're my favorite big brudder ever. Seeing Teenage Boy's face melt. Love rush into his eyes as he responds in kind.

It fills my heart when Teenage Boy comes running out of his school just because he wants to show Little Boy off to his friends.

These boys are my everything. They made me whole with their love for each other and as long as they have that, nothing can stop them.


Happy Love Thursday, everyone. Go here to find more links.

Post candy letdown

Overheard from the kitchen this morning...

Little Boy: Is it halloween time still?
Teenage Boy: Nope, halloween is over. Thanksgiving is the next holiday
Little Boy: Thanks, Give me?
Teenage Boy: (obviously only half listening) Yep.
Little Boy: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! I don't want to give my candy back!!!!

Just can't get enough

The main problem with working in the same office as your spouse is that you work in the same office with your spouse. Therefore, if (when?) you fight at home, you just can't. get. away from him. Too much togetherness.

My husband has started a job at my radio station. He is selling advertising and is doing a great job at it. He's got the exact right personality to do it. I would hate it with the hate of an opera singer and fat lady jokes. But he's good at it. The problem is that he keeps asking me questions. I don't do that. I don't train new employees. I don't have time for that. And I'm struggling. I want to go back into my coccoon in my corner and let the secretary train him. It is likely I'm going to kill him before it's over. My worlds have collided.

And on Mondays like yesterday, when we were fighting (over socks, no less) before we even got to work, it sucks even more. I like to watch him walk around in the office because it's great eye candy but he's so stubborn that he just drives me nuts. And we're together all the time. All. The. Time.

Hold me.

Love is a home

The farm
Originally uploaded by jesslee23.

It was the home that my grandfather was raised in. It was the home that my mother was raised in, along with her 7 brothers and sisters. The front lawn boasted a giant tree where my dad proposed to my mom. It was built by my great-grandfather and kept so many secrets.

Every Christmas we would make the 1000 mile drive to South Dakota. We would usually get to the farm after dark. Driving down the dirt roads, through the corn fields, the smell of dust so thick in my throat. I was so excited to get there. We would walk in through the kitchen, where my Grandma would always be. My Gummy, so happy to see us. The house would be full of smells from her baking. And the front porch full of the fruits of her labor. She made Christmas wreaths out of Corn Flakes, marshmallows, butter, food coloring and red hots. My cousins and I would sneak out onto the porch to steal a few. What I recently found out is that she always made way more than she needed just for that reason.

The family would gather around the big piano in the dining room. My Aunt Gwen would being to play and we would all sing. Silent night, Holy night, all is calm, all is bright... We would instinctually split into harmonies. It was such a beautiful sound. Overwhelming.

I would wake up in my mother's childhood bedroom. Comb my hair in front of her mirror. Imagine what it was like for her when she was my age. I wanted to badly to impress my relatives. I was the girl from Montana that they really barely new and I wanted them to think I was special. My Gummy and Papa were so good to show all the grandkids how much they meant to them. That wasn't easy since there are 30 of us.

Taking walks in the snow, being pulled on a sled behind the snowmobiles, this house and it's land were everything. They were my grounding point. The spot where I would dream about when things got tough. When my parents divorced, I cried under "their" tree. And when my dad died in 2005, a picture of that tree was the start to his photo slide show.

The farm was sold a few years ago. But the memories live on. And whenever I go to South Dakota, that is the first drive I take. I take my children down the dirt roads, through the corn fields. I walk with them to the bridge and I sit with them under the tree. I pass along my memories of this house, this home. My central spot.

Happy Love Thursday.


Go here to read more!

SnarfleSniffleSnorf

That's the sound of me attempting to breathe. I've got the crud. My throat is sore, my body aches and I can't breathe with my mouth shut.

Yeah baby, I'm sexy.

Ooooh, I also lost my voice. Which is AWESOME for a d.j. I am surprised at the amount of comments that I've gotten this week on how quiet it is in the office. I guess if I'm not here or here but not speaking, the fun doesn't show up.

Woot.

The troublemaker

Teenage Boy and Me
Originally uploaded by jesslee23.

Here he is. Teenage boy. I am in so much trouble with this kid. He's 13 and wants to make out with girls. He's cute enough that he probably could. He's testing for his 2nd degree black belt in Taekwondo this December so he's got the whole aloof athlete thing down.

Is it really THAT illegal to lock him in his room until he's 18?

How would you title this?

Teenage boy and I were hanging out in the family room last night. He had just gotten back from goofing off with his friends and some girls in their class. Their 8th grade class, mind you. We were talking about who is "dating" who and all the accompanying stuff. T.B. was telling me about one of his friends and how he has kissed girls.

Then he asked me if it would be ok if he were to make out with a girl.

Help me.

Seriously?

Are you kidding me???

One more way that PCOS and being annovulatory screwed with me. I didn't get to show enough skin.

It should be easier by now.

It really should have. Why is it that it still stings after all this time? I have a new doctor now and to make her life easier, I requested copies of my old records to give to her. Treating PCOS is not an easy thing to do and I've decided to try a naturopath who has prescriptive rights now. We'll see. Anyway...

I went and picked up my 6 inch thick envelope full of my records. Silly me, I decided to glance through them in the parking lot to see what they said. I really was curious to know if I had been labeled throughout the years. I was just going to take a quick look, just a peek...

An hour later I came up for air. I was crying. The notes were not just clinical. They talked alot about my state of mind...the doctors and NP's confusion as to why I wasn't ovulating, getting pregnant, staying pregnant, etc. Reading the words "non viable" was like getting kicked in the stomach. They spoke of how sorry they were for me. How it didn't just seem to be fair. And then they talked about how I decided to take a mental health break. And that they would miss me. But it felt like I was there again. Even though I've read the end of the book. I know how the story ends. I know that I get pregnant. Carry to term. Have a healthy boy who occupies my days.

Will it ever just be part of my life quilt instead of the fabric that makes it?

If only I had known

downpour-04
Originally uploaded by jesslee23.

I remember the first time I met him. I was dropping my best friend's little brother off at a house party and he came outside. Sauntered up to my window and asked me if I was over 18. He was so sure of himself. I had a boyfriend at the time but, then again, I always had boyfriends. Nothing ever serious. I thought that I had been in love before but I hadn't. I changed boyfriends weekly. I got bored easily. He intrigued me with his opening line. I always liked the bad boy and here was this guy, fresh out of California, with a ponytail and tattoos. So incredibly confidant. He knew that he could have any girl there. So I went into his house. I saw the girls all lined up, waiting for him to choose who he would be with that night. And I decided that I wanted him. For a toy. He asked me if I had a boyfriend. I told him I did. He asked me if I wanted another one. I smiled and let him kiss me.

The next day I broke up with my boyfriend. We decided that we would just be friends. He had just gotten out of his marriage and had teenage boy to think about. I took him to my special spot on our first outing. The place I had always gone to think and write and just stare into the lake. We stayed up until 3 in the morning, just talking. I opened my heart to him and he shared his life with me. We decided not to be just friends. A week later I moved in.

I started to notice how much he drank. How he changed. How mean he could be. So possessive. So jealous. So sure of what I wasn't, he lost sight of what I was. But we stayed together. Teenage boy grew. He decided that I was going to be his mommy even though it was (and still is) a title I do not deserve. He asked me to marry him. I said yes, even though I was concerned. I made him sign a contract that he would not get too drunk to drive to our wedding night. I walked up the aisle thinking that I was making the biggest mistake of my life. But teenage boy was part of the equation. I wanted to have a legal right to him. The wedding happened. He continued to drink. Life started to fall down around my ears. But I was just as bad. I went out with him. I brought beer home. I didn't let him tell me his stories. I didn't want to hear about his demons anymore. Maybe if he had only been able to share...

One night we went out to the bar. He took off. I didn't know where he was and got very upset. He came back an hour later and I lit into him. He walked out to the car with me following him. We drove home. We fought. He hit me. I left.

That was the last time he touched alcohol. That was 7 years ago. He has fought with his demons and won. I have forgiven him. Teenage boy has forgiven him. My marriage has gone from bad to pretty good. We have our moments. I don't communicate. He doesn't apologize. I struggled watching my dad die from liver disease due to alcoholism because the support was not there. He is hard. He is stubborn. And yet. And yet he is so much of me. He is my light. He is my protector. With him I truly feel safe. He has held my attention for 12 years. I watch the lines start to etch in his face and I think of how we were. How young. How naive. Unaware of the hardships and heartaches we would have along the way. He is my love and I don't believe that there could be another.

The ties that bind.

Originally uploaded by jesslee23.

Sounds kinky, yes? Unfortunately, it's not. I have been doing a lot of thinking about parenting lately. And I am tired. I am tired of feeling the need to apologize for my children. Child, mostly. I am tired of the looks. The whispers. The disapproving body language that SCREAMS "if you would just control your child..."

Here's the deal. Little boy has celiac disease. Celiac is an affliction that leaves the body unable to process gluten. Gluten is a protein that is found in grains like wheat, rye, oat and barley. People with celiac disease suffer from all sorts of maladies. Such as stomach cramps, failure to thrive, no immune system, intestinal distress, hyperactivity, manic behavior, etc etc etc. This list isn't even complete. This is just what we deal with with little boy on a daily basis. If he were to continue to ingest gluten on a regular basis we would deal with the possibility of him contracting bone disease, such as rickets, intestinal cancer and even schizophrenia. Celiac sucks. It is something that is doable. But it sucks.

We started thinking that little boy had "issues" when he was just a baby. He started getting sick. Put in the hospital, calling child protective services because mom obviously is making this baby sick, completely stop growing sick. It's sad when your child's file rivals yours in size. And you're the one that went through IF. He has been in and out of the hospital since he was 6 months old. They could not figure out what was wrong with him. They told us that they thought it was leukemia. Imagine our relief when we were told it was "just" a diet issue. But that does not give it enough weight.

He has been gluten free for 2 1/2 years. And he's doing well. He's growing. He's not sick ALL the time anymore. But life is not perfect and neither are people. He continues to have reactions because he continues to ingest gluten. His reactions have changed over the years. He has gone from throwing up immediately to being completely manic. Unable to sit still. Unable to focus his eyes on you. His eyes jump around more than a crack head talking to the po-po. He still has a distended belly and looks malnourished. He jumps. He is unable to process right from wrong. He cannot hear you tell him no. But he is sweet. He loves and feels SO much. He wants to please. I just wish people could see that.

I hate having the child that is labeled. You know...he's THAT kind of kid. The one that if I ask you to babysit, you have to think about it. The one that is challenging and high maintenance. And I hate hate hate hate hate that people assume that he's a bad kid or we are bad parents. I feel like I am forever trying to explain to people that he's reacting. That's not who he really is. He's only four years old. He doesn't have the verbal capability to sit and rationalize with you why he is pissed off and doesn't feel well, he just knows that he is. He tells you in the only way he knows how.

Woulda Coulda Shoulda has it exactly right. I am tired of apologizing for little boy. I want people to see his spirit. See what I see when I look at him. I want people to, if not love him, to accept him. Yes, he is flawed. Yes, he has issues. So do I. So do you. Get over it.

And when they don't...when they cluck their tongues and roll their eyes, I want to take a lesson from little boy. I want to run and yell. Because if I run fast enough and if I yell loud enough, their opinion will cease to matter.

It was cute the first time.

cuddle boy
Originally uploaded by jesslee23.

So the boys and I were watching Drake and Josh last night (shut it!) and there was a fake clip from a fake 70's show. This little girl's catch phrase was, That is not my job. Go back and read that again but get the head movement, arm motion and complete attitude in there. Done? Ok, now we can move on. All three of us laughed (which, ok, once again...Shut it!) but I didn't realize how affected little boy was until this morning.

There he was, my sweet little boy in the feety jammies. Sleep still nestled in the corners of his eyes. He asks me for milky. I put it in a cup for him and stretch it towards him, asking him to take it downstairs. Imagine my surprise when he got an evil glint in his eye, put his little hand on his hip and said, "Uh, Momma? That is not my job!"

And then I killed him.

The hangover lasted for 48 hours

Please, someone, anyone, remind me to never do that again. Best friend and I started drinking beer before the babysitter even arrived. We went and had another pitcher before the movie. By then? It sounded like an AWESOME idea to put a six pack in my purse and take it into the theatre with us. Which, ok, it was kind of awesome. But. The movie sucked. We left early. Of course, maybe we left early because I kicked one of my empty bottles over and it rolled all. the. way. down to the front of the theatre. That's not conspicuous (huh?) or anything.

Then we headed for food and more beer. I was making the bartender take pictures of us all night. Those turned out interesting! I actually ran into the bartender yesterday uptown and he looked at me and just started to laugh.

I felt like dog on Sunday and all day yesterday. But oh my gosh we had fun!

Anybody wanna go hang out?

It's Saturday!

OK, I'm totally lame. There is nothing new in my life. No new drama. No new throw up to clean up. Just the weekend. I say that like it's no big deal. I love the weekend. I live for the weekend. Yeah, I know...unusual, right? Nobody else ever waits for those 2 elusive days to arrive.

Best friend and I got a babysitter for the kids tonight and are heading out. Dinner and a movie. Sounds like a perfect date to me. We're going to see Little M*ss Sunsh*ne. The men folk are out hunting and gathering (i sound so pioneer like when i say that)...hence the babysitter.

WOW. The quality of my writing boggles the mind.

My life is so exciting...seriously.

1 bowl of spaghetti for dinner
+1 4 year old with an upset tummy
_________________________________

Ewww ewww ewww ewww ewww ewww ewww

Burned into my memory.

Sheila Hein & Peggy Neff
Originally uploaded by jesslee23.

I was living in a bubble on 9/11/01. I was newly pregnant after struggling to get that way. Absorbed in getting teenage boy to school on time every day, paying the bills, being with friends and loving my life. The leaves had just started to turn on the big mountain ash tree in my front yard. My favorite season, autumn, was almost upon me. I was happy.

September 11 started out as any other morning. The T.V. was off. Teenage boy (not a teenager then) and I chatted while he got ready for school and I got ready for work. The bus came and picked him up. I continued to get ready. And then the phone rang. My mom was on the other line asking me if T.B. was still there. When I told her that he was not, she told me to turn on the t.v. The Today show came on and I saw that Katie was holding back tears. Something major was happening. No one was sure what was going on yet. I sat on my couch, all alone in my house and stared in disbelief. I watched the towers come down. I saw the smoking Pentagon with the gaping hole. I saw the faces, heard the cries and could swear that I smelled the smoke from Montana. It was a day that changed me forever.

That night, my husband and I sat on the couch all night and watched the reports. We felt so shocked that this had happened. How had this happened? But I still had him. He still had me. We would wake up from the nightmare, we would go on. So many people did not have that opportunity. Their nightmare continues to this day. They have been deprived of someone that they love.

Let me tell you about Sheila Hein. Sheila was a native of Springfield, Mass who joined the Navy right out of high school and was sent to Virginia. She spent 10 years in the service, working as a photographer. After the service, she ventured into a career in computer graphics, working on government contracts.

Sheila and her partner, Peggy Neff were together for 17 years before that horrible day. They purchased a home together that had been labeled a true fixer upper. They transformed the back yard from a "tangle of overgrown bush" to their "own private sanctuary". They put in the flagstone patio themselves, Sheila designed the meticulously kept gardens and Peggy loved to point out the homey benches tucked in quiet corners. "She is what this yard is," Peggy said. "There's a whole lot of love here."

Sheila was a member of a steam train club and she loved to read. They had recently purchased bikes because Sheila had convinced Peggy that they should ride together. They rode 6 times. Why is that so poignant to me? Why is that the part that sprung tears to my eyes? These women, this couple, had plans. And they only got six rides.

Sheila had worked at the Pentagon for the five years previous to the attacks as a visual information specialist for the Army and had only recently changed jobs. She was at the Pentagon that day taking part in an Army internship, studying manpower analysis.

She has been remembered for having a wry, open wit and as being a pleasure to work with and know. Her bright smile and bouncy curls are still missed.

I feel like I know Sheila now after the research that I have done. But that is just a myth. I do not know her. I would have been honored to know her. She was passionate about her friends and her loves, that much is so apparent from the memorials I read.

Sheila Hein, you have made an impact on my life in a way that I did not anticipate. I did not expect to become emotionally involved in this project. But I did. Oh, I did. Your life was cut too short. Thank you for the legacy you left.



WE WILL NEVER FORGET!

Go read other tributes here: http://www.jamulian.com/db911

September 11 Memorial

I know that there are going to be a ton of memorials happening over the next week or so but this is my way to do my part. I will never ever forget that day. Sitting on the couch in disbelief...completely unable to comprehend what was really going on.

But for me, I was not directly affected. I did not have to wake up the next day without the love of my life. I did not have to look out my windows at rubble and smell the smoke. Because of this, I am taking part in a project that is taking each victim and assigning it to a single blogger who will in turn post a memorial on their blog about that person. Its amazing, and they still need bloggers to help!

The victim that I have been assigned is Sheila Hein. In the meantime, Go Sign Up to honor someone yourself! http://www.jamulian.com/db911

There goes the neighborhood.

*Post deleted due to heavy increase in traffic and just plain nasty*

It's all about the view.

Perspective is a cool thing, don't ya think? Last post we left our heroine (ummm...don't think that's the correct spelling but too lazy to care. Of course, by now I could have checked and been done with it but I don't want to. So there.)(ANYWAY...) feeling quite down and despondent due to life in general. That's the thing with depression. It just kinda sneaks up on ya when you're not looking. Normal life things can overcome you and spin you down. I've never been able to deal with anxiety very well. I internalize everything. I am still smarting from comments made to me in junior high, for pete's sake! (wow...for pete's sake...cool factor going WAY down on that one) I can be down and oh so low for awhile but, so far, I eventually bounce back. That's the fun part. The bouncing. Manic much? I am quite happy at how clean my house is although not sleeping is starting to wear on me. All of this to say, I'm feeling better now, thank you. ;-)

We went out of town last weekend and went camping at a big music festival. It was Christian Punk/Rock and there were 4 stages going on. It was fun! Some really good bands too. Skillet was good, Decyfer Down was awesome and Seventh Day Slumber completely rocked my socks. I love camping. I love the freedom from looking good. Not that I do anyway but you know what I mean, yes? When you're camping, it's assumed that you look greasy and slightly dingy around the edges. Throw on a baseball cap and you're good to go.

It's the last day of August. Where did summer go? We are heading out into the woods again this weekend for the last camping trip of summer. We'll be gone from tomorrow night until Monday afternoon. I'm excited. There are burn restrictions right now so we have to be careful but it will be worth it. 90 degrees this weekend. There is just something about being in the middle of trees that relaxes me. Brings it all back to perspective. Plus, no phones. No way for anyone to get ahold of me. Ahhhh...bliss...



A much happier me.

Two steps forward...

Three steps back...

Waves returning. Money issues suck. Stressed to the nth degree.

Woke up with a headache. Yippy.

Now back to our regularly scheduled program...

Hi.

I'm Jessie.

I enjoy long walks on the beach at sunset.

I am more of a cat person than a dog person.

I like beer.

and wine.

If it's got alcohol in it? I'm all over it.

I am a blog slacker.


I don't know where the time has gone since we got back from "vacation". Not that you could really call it a vacation when I was on the phone with my office EVERY SINGLE DAY at least THREE times a day. Oi. The place fell down around their ears without me. Nice to be needed yada yada yada. Anyway, there is something about coming back that always sends me into depression. I don't know why. I can feel myself start to slip. The headaches start. The waves start crashing in my brain. I withdraw from everyone. I know it. I feel it. But I am powerless to stop it. Why is that? What is so inherently wrong with my mind that I cannot control how I feel? It feels like I am drowning sometimes. The water overcomes me and I just watch. It doesn't matter enough to me to paddle.

But I'm coming out of it now. The headache left last night. My sense of humor is back today. I wanted to listen to more upbeat music this morning. I was able to get out of bed today. That's a good thing. At what point does it become more than just a little episode? At what point do I maybe do something about it? At what point is it not normal? They are happening more this year. Since March, I've drowned 4 times. Why? What is going on?

Why so many questions without answers?

Picture? Maybe? If blogger lets me?

Little boy and I after a crazy storm the day we left town. The clouds are from a Fire in Glacier National Park.

All of these are the car my brother and his family were in. Now tell me...is it not amazing that they are ok???

WOW

We are here in Aberdeern, SD. That was the longest trip of my entire life. It is normally about 18-20 hours. We left my hometown yesterday at 2:30 pm. We were going to stop in Billings last night at 9:00. Definately long enough for one woman and her kids, right? However, Billings had other plans. Every single hotel in the biggest city in Montana was full. I was so tired. However, I had no choice but to continue on to Miles City. 2 more hours. Yeah, that sucked. Big big big time. We got there though. At 11:30 last night. We found the cheap Motel 6 (with NO wifi!!!!) and went to sleep. We got up and went to breakfast this morning. We ended up in the same town as my older brother, his wife, their 14 year old daughter and 1 month old son. Crazy because he drives oh so slowly. Now I know that we were meant to catch up. Hindsight and all that...

We drive for 2 hours this morning. By that time I'm wondering because I knew that we had stayed in the same town as my brother and left around the same time. They shouldn't be that far ahead of me. In Baker, MT, I stop and call my husband. We chat for awhile and I see a Sherrif truck go flying by. We talk about how odd that is. Then I get on the road. I call my big brother to find out where they are. He answers the phone and tells me to get to him...they just totalled the car. I drive 85 (thank god no cops) 12 miles. Longest 12 miles of my life. As we're driving, Teenage boy points ahead to lights. I tell him I don't think that's it because there is only one car. We pull up to it an look to the left, way way down in the ditch/ravine. There is the car...completely totalled. I look in front of me and there is my sister in law, running to me with my brand new nephew in her arms. She is sobbing. And she never ever cries. I get out and she is just saying over and over...He won't stop crying. I can't get him to stop crying. My niece is beside her and crying too. They are both cut up to hell. I tell my SIL to get in my car with little boy. She tells me to go take care of my brother. I look across Hwy 12 and he is slowly trugging up out of the ditch with his guitar case in his hand. I run over to him and he wraps his arms around me and starts to cry. Sob. My big brother. Come to find out, a deer ran out of the other side of the road and hit them in the rear driver side door. It was a little car. (my moms car, my brother's would not have made the drive.) When the deer hit them, it sent them fishtailing down the road. Then they started to roll. They rolled AT LEAST 4 times before resting. The battery landed 50 feet away from the car. The car is totalled. All the windows are blown out. My brother, sister in law and their kids are ok. They were taken in the ambulance and I was able to fit all of their stuff (!!!!!!!) in my car with my kids and I. We set them up in a hotel and my step dad is going to get them tomorrow. If I had stayed in Billings last night, I would have been 3 hours behind...not 10 minutes. If I had caught up to them like I should have, I would have been passed them and had no cell signal. But I wasn't. I was able to be there and help them. Thank God they are ok. I am tired. good night.

Nervous traveler

I leave tomorrow for points midwest and flat. It's just the boys and I. I'm a little bit nervous about it. Simply because it's 1000 miles one way and just me and teenage boy and little boy. Do you know how mad it makes me that I'm freaked out??? I am supposed to be a strong woman. I love my husband and I need him but I don't NEED him, you know? But I wish he was going with me.

We leave at 3:00 pm. 8 hours tomorrow and 8 hours on Thursday.

Any words of advice? When you have traveled by yourself, what has worked for you?

So here's the thing...

Your life run in shifts. Shifts of awesomely good. Shifts of doin' allright. Shifts of crap. And through all of that your faith is challenged. Even when the outlook is all roses, your faith is challenged. Because if everything is so good, why do you need to believe in anything? Obviously, you've got it together. But when things are bad...when they are really, truly bad...that's when people seem to call upon whatever faith they have. That's how it was for me during fertility treatments. Quick aside, why are they called fertility treatments? Doesn't that seem to imply that fertile is what you are and you're trying to change that? Anyway...there were days where it was impossible to function. To get out of bed. To lift up my head. But the lip service that I gave to being ok was amazing. I had all the people around me convinced that I was ok. It was going to be ok. I was ok with not having a baby. I was ok with the fact that the procedure failed. I was ok with my marriage imploding due to the stress. I was ok with being broke, it would all work out. And then I got pregnant. And all really was ok. But then it wasn't. And even though my life, for the most part, is good now, there are still times when I am not ok.

My choice is how I deal with it. Whether I put on a rosy face and pretend or ask for help. Tell people, at the risk of making them uncomfortable, that I am not ok.

My husband is sweet, sexy and loves me for who I am even when I cannot. My teenage son is amazing, kind and loves me simply because I am his mom even when I suck at it. My little boy is gentle, sweet and loves me because I play with him even when all I want to do is not.

And yet. And yet. I am not ok right now.

Hot enough?

Wow. Apparently, unknown to me, Montana has turned into hell. It is H.O.T. It is smoky. It is sucking. Still very very pretty and there are oh so many lakes and rivers and streams that it is still worth it but...wow...it's warm. We have an air conditioner in our basement so it stays fairly cool but upstairs? Pure Hell.

Having a yard sale tomorrow. Best Friend and I will be in the shade of the mountain ash tree in my front yard counting down until noon. Would it be tacky to have beer bottles in hand? Should we just pour it in cups?

Thank you for the emails asking how my husband is. He's improving slowly but surely. Dr. from big town down south just misinformed us of what it was supposed to look like and feel like for him. So, I guess this is normal. He's back to teaching full time. Home with little boy today and playing in the blow up pool in the back yard.

I've given up on my lawn this year. After living rural my whole life and having a "lawn" of sorts, this is my first subdivision with a real lawn. We like it pretty and green! But...see above about heat. Not so much willing to pay $$$$$ for water. That's another thing. I have always had my own well. Now I'm on city water. What the??? It trips me out that I have to pay for water.

That is all. Jessie is bored. Entertain me?

Oooh look, pretty pictures!

In absence of a mind this week, I'll leave you with pretty pictures! Like this one of little boy playing with the water balloons last weekend. oooooohhhh...feeling distracted from same old boring posts...



Fourth of July, me, best friend and baby. And beer! Woot!



Pretty.



My son in the lake with a sparkler.



Best friend and I on the Friday of camping so basically? Before-ish (bow down to me and my work making up self!)



And then Sunday morning. Very very after. NO showers. NO people. Lots of beer. SO MUCH FUN!!



My boys after their water fight.

Too tired for a title.

So it's been a week since my last post. Huh. Who would have thought? Life has been crazy. After the drugs wore off, Joe started to deteriorate. He got very very sick. He had a piece of tape go into his eye, underneath the bandages and scratch his cornea. This caused a ton of pain. He also reacted badly to the drugs and was throwing up for hours. We went to the dr. on friday morning and had the bandages taken off. As soon as we left his office, Joe started throwing up. I called the dr. and they just told us to have a nice trip home. The more I think about it, the angrier that makes me. They should NEVER have sent us 3 hours north with him as sick as he was. Of course, if the surgery had actually worked, I probably wouldn't be as mad. Yeah. That's the other thing. He still has no sight in that eye. If he had 5% vision before, he has 2% vision now. SO NOT WORTH THIS!!! The surgery was (up to the point) the biggest mistake. He's so down and in so much pain. We've both been up all night all week, lost in our own thoughts about this mess we now find ourselves in. So tired. Of course, he was back to work on Monday, teaching summer camps. He can put on such a brave face and then come home and collapse. It just sucks. He sits in a room with the blinds drawn and his sunglasses on. He is in so much pain. We thought that the vision would be immediate. We were told that he should be totally out of pain by Monday at the latest. We were told that there would be 20/40 vision, at the outside. We were told a bunch of things that haven't happened or have happened a different way. And now we are told that the dr. is on vacation this week so have fun, deal with it and we'll see you at your followup appointment. Which is this coming Monday. Joe has to have the stitches removed from his eye (which we were told would be all dissolvable sutures) and so hopefully we'll find out more info then.

Sorry this is so scattered and makes no sense. I'm just overwhelmed.

Phew

We're back at the hotel. The wonders of wifi! The surgery went ok. It took 2 1/2 times as long as they told me before they went in. Why don't they send a nurse out to let you know that all is well? That part sucked. But he's ok. He's sleeping. He has a huge bandage on his eye but he's here. I can hear him snoring and I love that sound.

Now we wait until tomorrow when the bandage comes off to see what we see. The dr. told me that they were able to move his pupil and reshape it...kind of. Don't know what that means really but we'll soon find out.

Thank God, he's ok.

Restless Anticipation

T minus 24 hours until Joe's eye surgery. At this time tomorrow I will be sitting in pre-op with him, trying to reassure him. How can I reassure him if I'm freaking out myself?

Please please please please please let it go ok. I could not handle it if anything were to happen to him.

Blog? I have a blog?

You sure wouldn't think so with as much as I've been posting lately. Lots going on this week. First? Camping was AWESOME! Pictures will follow. Second? My sister in law gave birth to my beautiful nephew Zachary Michael on Monday. He's so gorgeous and looks only a little bit like an alien. Third? Much beer was consumed on the fourth and things were blown up in short order. Fourth? Work. Sucked. Fifth? Joe's pre-op eye appointment was today and he's cleared for surgery in a week. Now I'm scared. But, on the cool front, I found a papa smurf doll on E*Bay today that I bought for him. When he was little and going through his six surgeries, he always had a Papa Smurf doll with him. The doll would come out with an eye patch too. I found one today and bought it. It will be shipped to me before his surgery and I'll give it to him in the hotel before we leave for the hospital. Cheesy, I know but I'm hoping to take his mind off of the anxiety of everything.

More coming soon, more beer to drink tonight...not to mention UFC tomorrow night at my house! I hope Tito Ortiz kicks the crap out of Ken Shamrock and Tim Sylvia knocks Andrea Arlovski out!!

Tooooo much coffeeeeeeeee!

OK. I am a little bit hyper. Like get out my seat and jump around hyper. Like had too much coffee in my chai hyper. Like going to the woods and don't have to answer a phone for 3 days hyper. Woot woot! I'm excited. Can you tell?

This is my time to tell ya'll that I'm going to be gone for 3 days. Not that any of you care but...you know...just letting you know and stuff.

Did I mention that I'm hyper???

Teenage boy is babysitting Little boy today. This is what I left this morning...



It was so hard to leave them.

But seriously...how on earth could they sleep like that? And how did they get into that position with neither one of them waking up? And why are they in my room???

Workin' for the weekend

Don't you love old 80's and early 90's rock? When I hear certain songs, I'm transported. I loved me some butt rock! And John Cusak? With the boom box? Wow...swoon...I still think that's awesome. If Joe were to do that for me? He would be walking funny for a long time. Or maybe I would. Or whatever. Why am I talking about my sex life????

OK redirect. Over here! Hey you! Yeah, you! Hi! What I meant to be talking about was how excited I am for this weekend. It's the first camping trip of the season! I seem to be really determined to use alot of exclamation points and question marks in this entry! 'Cause I'm just that cool! We are going out west to the land of good Montana camping. No other people. Not a "real" campsite. Just us, beer, marshmallows, hot dogs and a river. Last time we went camping up here Joe caught a fish and cooked it over the campfire. Oh so yummy. We are going with our best friends and their kids.

Woo-hoo! No cell phones for 2 whole days!!!

Plus, this is where I'll be...



Awwww...heaven...

What the?

It's beautiful outside. The sunshine makes me feel better. My goofy kids do too.

Had a homeowners association meeting last night. Only had one freak lady show up and start yelling and cussing. It's an improvement! We live in a nice little neighborhood. Why do some people freak?

Little boy got himself dressed today. Let's just say that I'm glad he's home with my mom instead of out with me. Very very interesting outfit. "Vote for KJ" t-shirt, too short camo pants and a headband. Definately gets his fashion sense from me.

Oh, ok, funny story. We were at the HOA meeting last night and it was held on my neighbors lawn. We were all sitting underneath a big tree in his front lawn. I have rather large boobs. There were ants on the tree. One fell down my shirt. Yep...right in between my melons. I could feel it squirming around down there but couldn't see it. (heh, i just typed tit instead of it) What would you do? Oh yeah, I started digging away. Joe starts elbowing me and telling me to knock it off. I look up and there are 5 grown men watching me dig in my cleavage for an ant. Oi. I should have just smashed my boobs together and killed the dang thing.

Is it Friday yet?

Why is this week going so slowly? I have dealt with depression off and on for the last 10 years. Basically since starting trying to get pregnant. Now little things trigger me. I don't know what exactly. It's different every time. I just get so down sometimes. It feels like I'm drowning in nothing. Money issues. Job issues. Marriage issues. Crap.

I hate feeling like this.

And then it got sticky...

UPDATED WITH PICTURES (not that anyone cares) tee-hee

The boys decided to sleep in the closet last night.

They were so cute in there, all cuddled up together. And then they woke up.

Teenage boy as he's walking up the stairs this morning..."So Little boy was all cuddled up against my leg when we woke up and his pants and my leg are wet. I'm just gonna say it was sweat. Don't tell me any different. It was sweat."

Little boy from behind him..."Heh."

Awww, brotherly love.

Lame Posts anyone?

Geez...these have been lame lately. Just not a whole lot to say, I guess. We are interviewing for a new secretary at work. I need someone who can really help me. And not have to be led by the nose all the time. I need to be able to assign a task and have them just take it and run with it. However, I bet I'm not fun to work for. I wouldn't want to work for me. I can be kind of a bitch. We had a new salesperson start this week too. That's always fun. They think that since I am office manager, I am therefore there to do their bidding. Ummm...I think not.

Drank a bottle of wine with Andrea last night. Why is it that when we get together, alcohol just dissapears? Where does it go? I didn't think that I was that tipsy but perhaps I was.

Had to go to WalM&rt yesterday too. White trash low class capitol. It's very interesting there. Why is it that people think it's ok to stop in the middle of the aisles to chat? Do they really have no clue that there are people around them wanting to get their stuff done and get the heck out of there? Are they really that selfish? Yes, yes they are.

Anyway, Jessie is bored. Entertain me.

And how was your weekend?

Something I've never mentioned here (in my whole 2 weeks of blogging) is that Joe is blind in his left eye. He was shot with a b.b. gun when he was 5 and has been blind since. 26 years. His left eye is green and his right eye is brown. That's one of the first things that attracted me to him...Rawwwr.

We have been going to the eye doctors around here since April. They told him at first that they would be able to do a lens implant surgery and he would be able to see. And then they said they couldn't do it. And that it couldn't be done at all. Because I whined, they gave us a referral to a doctor 2 hours south of us who is supposed to be the top eye surgeon in the state. Believe me, they gave that referral very grudingly. They had the attitude of if they couldn't do it, no reputable doctor would be able to. I love proving people wrong when they are rude to us.

We went last Friday and spent the night there. It's a bigger town than where we live but there still isn't alot to do. Especially since Joe doesn't drink anymore. We went to the doctor. He ran all of his tests and poked and prodded Joe for awhile. Then he asked Joe what he wanted to do. Joe just told him that he wanted to see. So the dr. looked at his calendar and asked us, How does July 13 sound to you? WOW!!

So on July 13, we are headed to bigger town down south to get my husband's beautiful green eye cut open. A new lens (he doesn't have one now) will be implanted and they will suture it to his eye. Hopefully, at the end of it, he will have 20/30 vision in that eye! Amazing! It's an outpatient surgery too which just freaks me out. How can they expect us to go to the hotel that night and him not in the hospital? I don't get it!!

That's what we did this weekend. And now we wait until the day.

How did you spend your days off?

Rain rain go away

It's been raining here for 3 days straight. Starting to feel like I live in Biblical times. We had hail the size of golf balls the other night. The next morning? The local paper had this headline splashed across the front..."HOLY HAIL!"

Yeah, my town sucks.

and this is absolutely the lamest post ever!

Some things aren't always what they seem.

I grew up in a small town. Not a nice town. I'm sure that high school was fun for those that were "in" but I was not one of those. My school was very clicky. Everyone was classified as something. I'm not sure exactly what I was classified as because by that time, I had found pot and didn't care so much anymore.

There was one thing that sustained me in high school and that was my friends. I had a really tight core group of guy and girl friends who did everything together. We protected each other, looked out for each other, went to bat for each other. They meant the world to me. They were there for me when I was completely down. I was there for them (i think) when they were down. We were a family.

The problem with mixed groups like that is when two people hook up. If things go sour between them, everyone else starts to feel like they have to pick sides. That's what happened to us. Boy and girl hook up. Girl gets pregnant very very young. Boy and girl get married. Start to play house. Said house becomes quite the hangout of those of us still not totally out on our own. Beautiful baby girl is born very preemie. Baby adds stress to already stressed relationship. Boy and girl suffer. Friendships suffer. Baby continues to be beautiful. Girl gets pregnant again and gives birth to a very chubby boy. Boy and girl get more stressed. Struggle more. Start to separate their lives. Allegations are made. People take sides. Friends (namely me) do what they think is the right thing at the time and end up hurting people that have meant so much to them. Years go by and it all starts to seem like a mistake.

When my friends broke up there were serious stories told. I was never there to see any of the incidences so I don't know first hand what happened. I did what I believed was the best option. The most helpful. I wanted to support my friend as she started her newly single mom life. We became very close. Closer than we had ever been before. The funny part was that I started off as his friend and not hers. She became part of our group because he thought she was cute. I found her really annoying at first. He and I had been so close...sharing many many late night talks about life, listening to music, making up stupid poetry. We had both gone through it when we were younger and I felt like I had found someone who truly understood me. But I chose her side. I wanted to be with the kids. I wanted to be able to make sure they were ok. I know I did things that hurt not only him, but probably others in his family that I cared about a lot too. Back then, I thought of his brother as younger but looking back, he's actually older than I am and was a way better person inherently than I could ever pretend to be.

Years go by. Over 10 now. She and I stayed close for a long time but then she started to change. Or maybe I did. I grew up, that's for sure. She didn't. I tried to keep in contact with her but her life is so incredibly different than mine. She lives with a guy that I don't like so much. I think he's odd and perhaps a bit of a masochist. She doesn't work. She is sick so she spends most of her days on pain medication. I still love her but there is only so much effort that one person can put out. I left messages on their phone (they screen all of their calls) asking if they have seen my friend. If they could have her call me. She never returns my calls. And now their phone is disconnected. We were supposed to turn 30 together. Her birthday is 2 days before mine. But I haven't seen her for over a year. And we live in the same town. I miss the kids. The last time I saw them, they were growing like weeds and turning into little adults. I'm afraid for the people they will become. I worry about 13 year old girl more than 11 year old boy. She has been through so much in her young life. Things that no girl should ever ever ever have to go through. I don't know if she is strong enough to deal with those thoughts as she gets older without help and I worry that her mom is to shortsighted to see it.

This wasn't meant to be a bash of my friend. This whole post came about because I recently found a blog belonging to the younger brother of the boy. He is all grown up now (like I said, I always thought of him as younger) and has his own family. He seems to be a good man with a good mind. He wrote on his space that he felt like his life didn't start until 1994. I was part of their lives before that time. I don't want to think that I hurt them, but I'm sure that I did. It's impossible that I didn't. I regret that. I regret those ties being broken. The last time I saw boy was when I was eating at the restaurant he works (worked?) at. He came walking out of the kitchen and saw me. It took my breath away. I didn't know what to do so I waved. He just stared at me and kept walking. Didn't crack a smile or wave or anything. The last time I saw his brother was at a restaurant too. He was eating and I came in to eat. I don't remember who I was with but it seems like I might have had a little to drink beforehand. I know that I didn't acknowledge him the way that I should have. My friend and I were starting to sour at that point and I wasn't sure what to say.

Life is full of regrets but the ones that suck the most are these. When you have to pick a side and hope that it is the right one. When it's not...

Stupid work interfering with blogging.

Wow, reading back over that last post all I can say is...ummm...what? I didn't make so much sense. Beer will do that to you.

Been busy at work this week. My boss is going on vacation starting tomorrow so he's in full time panic must get everything done oh my gosh will the station fall down around their ears if i walk out the door mode. So it's been a bit busy.

First week of summer vacation for teenage boy. He's working at our church at Adventure Kids Kamp. It makes it easier for little boy if someone is there with him to make sure he's not eating anything he's not supposed to be. Oh, have I never mentioned yet? Little boy has Celiac disease. His little body cannot tolerate anything that has gluten in it. Gluten is a protein found in wheat, rye, oat, barley, etc. It makes for a very interesting diet consisting of lots of rice and corn. PB & J on a rice cake is his favorite meal!

So when other kids are around and there are snacks involved, it has the potential to be very bad for little boy. He really understands his diet well (for a four year old) but the little nuances he doesn't get. For example, they have a popcorn mix at kids kamp that has goldfish crackers mixed in. Because they are in there, he cannot eat that popcorn. He wouldn't understand that part though. I can't even use the same spoon to stir his pasta as I do ours. He's very sensitive too. And when he's reacting? Holy Hyper Batman.

But I digress. (I have always wanted to use that statement!) Teenage boy is helping out and is in charge of 15 four and five year olds. And he's enjoying it!!

Or maybe he's just pretending to enjoy it so I will stop making fun of him for playing with the little kids. I'm evil like that.

So it's my birthday

I never thought that I would see 30 years old. In my mind, as crazy as this sounds, that was a number that would never apply to me. Whether it was because I never truly belived I would live this long or I didn't want to believe I would live this long, I'm not sure. But here I am.

Spent the day doing stuff. The normal crappy stuff. Went to Wal-M$art and did stupid laundry detergent shopping. I did get to sleep in though. Why are there so many typos I keep having to go back and correct? Oh yeah, that's right...

Went to my Best Friends daughters 5 year b-day party. That was fun. Then to my SIL baby shower. And then? To the fights. Watched the hometown girl decidly kick the crap out of a girl from WA state in boxing. But, it was scored an even draw. So nothing changes. But it was fun. And i drank beer. All by myself. Just Joe and I went and since he doesn't drink anymore, I had to drink his share. What have I read about blogging drunk? Oh yeah...stopping now...

i'm 30 years old and i don't feel any different...

This was taken last weekend in my husband's truck. It was taken by my 4 year old son. Little did I know that we were driving to a surprise party thrown for my 30th birthday. I didn't want to even acknowledge my birthday. I was having serious 30 issues. I always thought that 30 was grown up. That it meant that my bills would all be paid on time. My credit would be stellar. My children well behaved. And I would no longer have purple streaks in my hair and multiple ear piercings and tattoos. Ummmmm...let's just say that 30 is not what I thought it would be.

I love this picture. Even though you can see the wrinkles in my forehead, I love the look I have on my face. I love how I'm kind of out of the frame. And I love the fact that I had no idea that the people in my life loved me enough to put together the shindig we went to later.

Who knows? Maybe my boy will be a photographer.

So much better.

This is just oh so much prettier than it was this morning! And to think that Zoot created this all by herself! She is obviously a way more smart girl than I.

I was never any good at keeping a journal with any regularity. I would find myself writing writing writing and then just stop. I would go back later but could never remember what all my cryptic initials stood for. I had an older brother so I couldn't just lay it all out there. This feels different. As of right now, there is absolutely nobody reading it. And even if I get found, no one IRL will get the URL so I should be safe. Safe-ish. As safe as you could be putting your thoughts and feelings on the world wide web.

I feel like I'm coming late to the party. Jumping on the blog-wagon when others might be bailing off. But so far? It feels really good just to have somewhere to talk.

New blogger issues

Do you have any idea how long I have been messing with this template? Yeah...2 hours. Perhaps I should just concede defeat and to go Zoot and grab one of her freebies for new bloggers?

Yep, I'm done. This sucks and I'm just not that smart.

Starting Fresh

You never know what impact your words will have on someone. You don't even know if anyone will ever read them. But you write. Cathartic exercise to soothe your own soul. And then you find out that you've become the voice of many. That you are soothing more souls than you will ever meet. And you become a beacon. And how odd that must be.That's how it started for me. An infertility survivor who was dealing with lots and lots of survivor guilt. It started by reading the usual suspect. Grrl, Julie, Tertia, Julia, et al. They gave words to what I had felt when I was going through it all. The isolation. The hope. All the crap that goes along with it. And I started to feel better. Their successes started to feel like mine. When their kids were born, it felt like I had won all over again. Bizarre, psycho, stalking behavior completely unbecoming of someone who really shouldn't care less. They have the eloquent words I could never come up with on my own. And that kinda freaks me out a little bit.

I have always been sufficient all on my own. I have lived on my own since I was 16 years old. I followed the Grateful Dead. I was a street kid in Seattle. I hitchiked all over the West coast. I was a door to door salesperson for cleaner, for pete's sake! I have lived more in my 29 (30 on Saturday) years than most people ever will. And then I met my love. The first guy to ever hold my attention for very long. I thought long term relationships were 3 months or less. But Joe came along and all that changed. He rocked my socks. He was cocky and sure of himself and how cute he really was. And that drove me nutso. To add to the attraction, he had the cutest 2 year old boy with him. His son. I didn't even think that I wanted kids until I met that little blonde boy. Who turns 13 tomorrow. Wow, how time flies. I became a cliche at that point.

Girl meets boy. They fall in love. They move in together. They play house for 1 1/2 years until they decide to get married. They get married. They start looking around at their child and decide that they might, maybe want one more. They start trying. That's when my cliche took a decidedly different turn than most. It became very much not an easy thing. What is supposed to be the most natural, beautiful thing in the world turned out to completely suck. Really suck. I saw more of the dildo-cam (i named him george) than I did of my husband. Shots and pills and tests and blood and vampires and and and and and and. The list just goes on. Throughout this time we decided that I should adopt that little blonde boy. And so I did. And I thought that that might be it. That maybe that was the child that was intended for me. It didn't matter to me that he wasn't biologically related to me. He was MINE. And the funny thing was, he even kinda looks like me. We kept trying though. For 5 years. FIVE years. That is a long ass time for my ass to take the abuse it took. And we got pregnant. And the baby died. And that sucked too.

I gave up then. Hope had officially left the building. Hope was a bitch. But then (and I hate this part because it just doesn't usually happen like this, regardless of what other people say), we were pregnant. And at the end of a very sucky pregnancy filled with the joys of high blood pressure, toxemia and fetal distress, we had another little blonde boy. Who is now 4. And boy, has my life changed.

This is me, Jessie. This is my life. Sit down, strap yourself in and hold on. It gets quite bumpy occasionally. Welcome to it.